Backspace. Delete that.

Faith begins with stuffing your eyes with cotton.

Limitations should never keep you from your destiny. Get rid of any strong holds in your life. Your thoughts determine your life. Be quick to hit the delete button and overcome negative words spoken of you.

Joel Osteen.

MESSAGE!

February 14th 2012

This day will go down in history for me as the start of greatness. If I do nothing else on my to-do list this month, I will be sure to begin greatness.

"I'm the greatest, I said that before I knew I was" -Drake.

Same principle gone apply here too. I've been having good ideas but nothing has come close to my greatness.  Nothing has given me the same feeling. Everything I think of always comes back to that one idea, so I've decided it would probably be best for me to focus my energies on that idea.

My only dilemma is that at some point I will need some type of income to support my idea, but more importantly, myself. I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes up because for right now, I'm straight. God been looking out for ya girl, I cant complain at all. I just worry about what Imma do when my money runs out, but for now, I gotta be convinced that everything is going to work out. Its the only security I have.

I'm ready to get started. I feel like I have something to prove. Normally I wouldn't care, but this time I have things to prove to myself.

"I had no choice I had to prove I made the right decisions" -Drake.

I'm a HUGE Drake fan. Since his Degrassi days. We will meet one day, and he's going to love me. I just know it :-)

Fuck pending transactions

How I have three pending bank transactions for ONE purchase? I'm taking my money out the bank and putting it into shoeboxes and coffee cans. If I can't pay cash, I don't want it.

I can keep up with my money wayyyyy better than they can. Oh and fuck sprint too. Just because.

Quick update

I'm sitting in my room beyond bored right now. My mind is wandering and it always seems to find its way back to him. I need a hobby. Like a year ago.

My weekend was great. Good times with family and friends. I got wayyyyyy too wasted Saturday and thought I was gonna checkout of life the next day. I won't be drinking drinks people give me anymore. Bean juice ain't for me. My heart can't take it.

I been feeling good though lately. And that's always a plus considering. The universe been doing a good job of keeping a smile on my face. Positive energy is a wonderful thing. I guess that's probably why I havent talked to certain people in a while. I'm sure we are on different energy wavelengths at this point. Sigh. Moving on sucks lol. But at least I can sorta laugh about it now. Sorta.

Good night.

Lucid Dreaming

I just got finished doing a couple lucid dreaming exercises and I'm in love. It was so cool. And I'm pretty convinced it worked because my eyes just started rapidly moving and that's the indication of being in the REM state which is when dreams take place.

I need to work on visualizing better because it was hard for me to control what I wanted to see, which is what lucid dreaming is all about. I had a couple random things pop up in my head though. I saw my uncle get rewarded at work for 5 years of service. I saw these weird technicolor tribal patterned designs that started flashing. And a purple/pink and yellow/orange flashing light. But mostly darkness. My imagination is not as active as I would like to think. Lol.

I did, however, force my mind to live this one scene between me and my hearts desire. Someone rang my doorbell, I went to answer it and it was him. I opened the door and just stared at him and he started apologizing and telling me how much he loved me. Then he proceeded to get down on one knee and propose to me expressing that he didnt wanna not be with me anymore. How lovely right?

But the real cool part was that I could literally feel all the feelings from my lucid dream scene. As soon as I opened the door, I could feel myself tearing up and as I stood there staring I could feel my heart drop and my breathing became very shallow. I was in disbelief, total shock, like is this really happening? I felt like that. Then when he started saying he was sorry, I started crying but it was a happy relieving cry. And we hugged and I could feel the love between us as if we were actually in that moment hugging each other forreal. And when he proposed, I just kinda stood there not knowing how to feel and I felt that too. And then I was super happy, I jumped in his arms and we hugged and kissed again, then the whole flood of feelings was over. And I was like hey, let's go tell my mom. Lmao!

So me.

But how wonderful would that be though? Like I can't say I couldn't even imagine that happening because I did, lol, but I just can't see him actually doing that. I think he has it in him. I just don't know what series of events would cause him to do something that drastic/romantic. Because I know it would take something for him to feel that he needed to react in that way. But whatever, enough about that more about the lucid dreaming.

Long story short, lucid dreaming is great and I will continue my experiments with it. I read somewhere the ability to lucid dream can greatly increase your ability to manifest your dreams. Visualization is very key.

I write a lot

It's the best way I know how to express myself. I wish my drawing skills were better but I figure if God wanted me to be that type of artist he would have given me natural talent. I'm a doodler, that's the extent of my art skills. I'd be the bomb paint by number artist though. I'm a self proclaimed color expert.

But back to writing, I love it but if only I didnt have ADHD (I self diagnosed), I would have written a series of books like Harry Potter and Twilight by now. I seriously have to do better. This is the shit I wake up with on my mind. All the things I need to do before my life starts downwardly spiraling out of control.

Im realizing that as much as I am very go with the flow about a lot of things, I am super controlling at the same time. The controlling aspect of my personality is more focused towards myself and the things I allow me to do than the idea of controlling other people. I lack discipline and will power. Couple that with no focus and lack of motivation and you have a person who will continue to bullshit their life away if i don't make myself change.

I don't want to wake up one day and realize I didn't do anything in life that I always wanted to do. But it's hard having all this free will to decide how you want your life to go when you're not sure if you'll be able to support yourself and make a living off the things you want to do in life.

I worry about my livelihood a lot because I know that while I may have people who love me, they are not gonna support me. It's just me and I'm the only person responsible for myself. And I want to be able to live comfortably and not have to depend on others financially. By others, I mean people but also working a job just for money to live.

I wanna live and money become a by product of that. I'm in a personal year 4 and my major focus for this year will be building my foundation and security for the next couple years. Money wise I fucking suck. I have no financial skills whatsoever. I can't save money for shit. And then I have a problem paying off my debts in the proper manner. I'm a money hoarder, which explains why I can never keep any money for a long period of time.

But I know that when I get my finances in order and start implementing things that make me a good steward of my money then Imma be the shit. I just need to find out exactly what those things would be to help me manage my money better.

And I need to make myself realize this is all a work in progress. Im so accustomed to instant results that it's hard to process in my mind that some things take more time and effort. The ways of the world are fucking my life up lol

Wise words from a decent man

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

Paulo Coelho

Vision Board

Finally getting started on my vision board for 2012. I'm using this month to plan what I want to accomplish for 2012. I read an article in Oprah's magazine that talked about being specific in your wants and the universe will take care of making sure it comes to you. I do believe in that to some degree. I'm a little skeptical but I'm skeptical of everything until it proves itself.

So this year im testing out the law of attraction, the power of believing and having good intentions, karma, and God, in general. Its a lot of things that I would like to accomplish this year. And they say to dream big because anything is possible.

I watched a YouTube video called The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I recommend it to the world. Very inspiring and motivating. It got me thinking about my childhood dreams and what I've always wanted to accomplish in life, in general. I needed that.

As far as I can remember, I've always wanted to find the man of my dreams and start a family. I've never really thought of anything else besides love. That's the only thing I know I need in life. It's what makes me happy. To be with people I love. To do things I love. To buy things I love. If it involves love, I'm all for it. So I feel it's only right that this year I focus on love so that I can attract all the lovely things that i want in my life.

This is the year of the lover, in my Lloyd voice. "let's have a baby, let's do something crazy" 2012 will be a great year and I refuse to spend it being depressed. Life gone work with me this year. Imma make sure of it.

I just told my mom I was depressed

And she asked if she could do anything and i said no. And then she said well maybe you should be depressed more often, you look good today. Told me my breasts were hanging out and i looked like a video vixen Lmao!

Okay God Imma lighten up. I know it could be worst. Thanks!

Today I cried for the first time this year

And it actually felt good. I was a little worried I was turning into a sociopath. I been numb to everything for a while and it's good to know that I do have feelings but got damn, is life suppose to be this hard? I try, I really do. I always give my best. I'm a good person. I don't know what I'm missing.

And I'm just tired of trying to find my missing link. I'm depressed. But the show must go on right? *sigh* yeah I'm sick of that shit too. Smiling when I feel like crying. I don't want people feeling sorry for me but I would love for somebody to make me feel like they care about me and my well being for once.

I guess putting the smile on my face doesn't help but what else am I supposed to do?? Be miserable?? Yeah fuck that. It's enough miserable people in the world, I don't need to contribute to that shit. Imma get it together. Pray for me lol. I'm not as distraught as I may come across but seriously pray for me. I need all the help I can get.