Sigh

Woke up with him on my mind again. Sigh. I must be dreaming about him and just not remembering once I wake up. I don't know what to do anymore. I've given it to God once again. I've said everything I've wanted to say. I would have like to say it face to face but the opportunity didn't present itself. Sorta but I was being a friend at that time. I just never really say what I want to say to him when we are in each others presence. Its like I forget everything because I'm so in the moment that I just don't care. Its so irrelevant to me that I don't see the point of bringing anything up. I assume that he can tell how I feel by now. He should know everything by now. But that's still an assumption on my part. I want to know for sure if he knows. Sigh.

I'm not gone let this get to me though. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was gonna be just fine. I thought with all the good shit going on in my life that I would be happier. And I am. I have my ultimate freedom back. I can come and go as I please now. But it hard being my ultimate happy self when I have no one to really share in my excitement. Everybody is happy for me, but I want someone to be happy with me. A certain someone but sigh...who knows. Its not that I've lost faith, I'm just tired. I'm just discouraged. I'm just feeling like nothing I do is good enough. And its not like I'm really trying to be the perfect person for him, I'm being me. Every decision I make is what I would...

Okay so maybe that is kind of selfish. But they tell you to treat people how you want to be treated. Maybe I need to start treating people how I think they want to be treated. I don't know anymore. Thats why I just do me. Its much easier. As soon as I learn to stop thinking so much and just act, I will be perfectly fine. Its all the extra thoughts that fuck me up. That stop me from doing what I know I should be doing. I'm too concerned with doing the right thing all the time. And I need to just start doing what I feel.

And when it comes to him, I feel like expressing my love, but its never received how I want it to. I always end up looking crazy. Sigh. Story of my life. I just want for once for things in my love life to work out. I can make shit happen everywhere else in my life but that part of it. If its me God, fix me. Make me better. I've honestly been trying. And my mindset and attitude about Love has improved drastically. I've gotten my ego out of the way. I don't know. I just know that right now I'm still pretty much winging life and I haven't really settled down or put down roots anywhere because I'm waiting for my family to do all that. Or at least I'm waiting for a child of my own to be responsible for and making sure that they have a stable home life. I'm working off the if you build it, they will come approach. Watching How I met your mother and how Ted bought the raggedy ass house to fix up for his future family and everyone thought he was crazy except his best friend who really knew him. That same house is the house his family lives in. He believed and everything came together. I do believe thats how things work so I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm waiting for the end of the week to find out if I get this job offer that will move me back to where I was and I can live on my own again. Thats a great opportunity for me alone, but at the same time, I am hoping that it will create a better opportunity for me and my boo. If not, I know it will still be a good thing for me and I can still be happy with that. I just worry that I will never be able to get over him. That I will want to be with him forever, even if I do move on and start a family and everything. I just feel like I could get the family, get the child, and get everything else in the world that I want, and still not be satisfied because I didn't get him. The one thing in the world that I can say for sure that I know I want. Its no doubt in my mind now. I guess I'll just continue to pray about it. Thats all I can really do.

Thank you God for everything though. I'm still grateful. I always make the best of any situation. This is just proving to be a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. Sigh...