I write a lot

It's the best way I know how to express myself. I wish my drawing skills were better but I figure if God wanted me to be that type of artist he would have given me natural talent. I'm a doodler, that's the extent of my art skills. I'd be the bomb paint by number artist though. I'm a self proclaimed color expert.

But back to writing, I love it but if only I didnt have ADHD (I self diagnosed), I would have written a series of books like Harry Potter and Twilight by now. I seriously have to do better. This is the shit I wake up with on my mind. All the things I need to do before my life starts downwardly spiraling out of control.

Im realizing that as much as I am very go with the flow about a lot of things, I am super controlling at the same time. The controlling aspect of my personality is more focused towards myself and the things I allow me to do than the idea of controlling other people. I lack discipline and will power. Couple that with no focus and lack of motivation and you have a person who will continue to bullshit their life away if i don't make myself change.

I don't want to wake up one day and realize I didn't do anything in life that I always wanted to do. But it's hard having all this free will to decide how you want your life to go when you're not sure if you'll be able to support yourself and make a living off the things you want to do in life.

I worry about my livelihood a lot because I know that while I may have people who love me, they are not gonna support me. It's just me and I'm the only person responsible for myself. And I want to be able to live comfortably and not have to depend on others financially. By others, I mean people but also working a job just for money to live.

I wanna live and money become a by product of that. I'm in a personal year 4 and my major focus for this year will be building my foundation and security for the next couple years. Money wise I fucking suck. I have no financial skills whatsoever. I can't save money for shit. And then I have a problem paying off my debts in the proper manner. I'm a money hoarder, which explains why I can never keep any money for a long period of time.

But I know that when I get my finances in order and start implementing things that make me a good steward of my money then Imma be the shit. I just need to find out exactly what those things would be to help me manage my money better.

And I need to make myself realize this is all a work in progress. Im so accustomed to instant results that it's hard to process in my mind that some things take more time and effort. The ways of the world are fucking my life up lol