The Loveaholics

February 14th 2012

2012-01-28T12:53:00.000-05:00

This day will go down in history for me as the start of greatness. If I do nothing else on my to-do list this month, I will be sure to begin greatness.

"I'm the greatest, I said that before I knew I was" -Drake.

Same principle gone apply here too. I've been having good ideas but nothing has come close to my greatness. Nothing has given me the same feeling. Everything I think of always comes back to that one idea, so I've decided it would probably be best for me to focus my energies on that idea.

My only dilemma is that at some point I will need some type of income to support my idea, but more importantly, myself. I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes up because for right now, I'm straight. God been looking out for ya girl, I cant complain at all. I just worry about what Imma do when my money runs out, but for now, I gotta be convinced that everything is going to work out. Its the only security I have.

I'm ready to get started. I feel like I have something to prove. Normally I wouldn't care, but this time I have things to prove to myself.

"I had no choice I had to prove I made the right decisions" -Drake.

I'm a HUGE Drake fan. Since his Degrassi days. We will meet one day, and he's going to love me. I just know it :-)

Fuck pending transactions

2012-01-19T12:51:00.001-05:00

How I have three pending bank transactions for ONE purchase? I'm taking my money out the bank and putting it into shoeboxes and coffee cans. If I can't pay cash, I don't want it.

I can keep up with my money wayyyyy better than they can. Oh and fuck sprint too. Just because.

Quick update

2012-01-16T23:36:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in my room beyond bored right now. My mind is wandering and it always seems to find its way back to him. I need a hobby. Like a year ago.

My weekend was great. Good times with family and friends. I got wayyyyyy too wasted Saturday and thought I was gonna checkout of life the next day. I won't be drinking drinks people give me anymore. Bean juice ain't for me. My heart can't take it.

I been feeling good though lately. And that's always a plus considering. The universe been doing a good job of keeping a smile on my face. Positive energy is a wonderful thing. I guess that's probably why I havent talked to certain people in a while. I'm sure we are on different energy wavelengths at this point. Sigh. Moving on sucks lol. But at least I can sorta laugh about it now. Sorta.

Good night.

Lucid Dreaming

2012-01-13T07:31:00.001-05:00

I just got finished doing a couple lucid dreaming exercises and I'm in love. It was so cool. And I'm pretty convinced it worked because my eyes just started rapidly moving and that's the indication of being in the REM state which is when dreams take place.

I need to work on visualizing better because it was hard for me to control what I wanted to see, which is what lucid dreaming is all about. I had a couple random things pop up in my head though. I saw my uncle get rewarded at work for 5 years of service. I saw these weird technicolor tribal patterned designs that started flashing. And a purple/pink and yellow/orange flashing light. But mostly darkness. My imagination is not as active as I would like to think. Lol.

I did, however, force my mind to live this one scene between me and my hearts desire. Someone rang my doorbell, I went to answer it and it was him. I opened the door and just stared at him and he started apologizing and telling me how much he loved me. Then he proceeded to get down on one knee and propose to me expressing that he didnt wanna not be with me anymore. How lovely right?

But the real cool part was that I could literally feel all the feelings from my lucid dream scene. As soon as I opened the door, I could feel myself tearing up and as I stood there staring I could feel my heart drop and my breathing became very shallow. I was in disbelief, total shock, like is this really happening? I felt like that. Then when he started saying he was sorry, I started crying but it was a happy relieving cry. And we hugged and I could feel the love between us as if we were actually in that moment hugging each other forreal. And when he proposed, I just kinda stood there not knowing how to feel and I felt that too. And then I was super happy, I jumped in his arms and we hugged and kissed again, then the whole flood of feelings was over. And I was like hey, let's go tell my mom. Lmao!

So me.

But how wonderful would that be though? Like I can't say I couldn't even imagine that happening because I did, lol, but I just can't see him actually doing that. I think he has it in him. I just don't know what series of events would cause him to do something that drastic/romantic. Because I know it would take something for him to feel that he needed to react in that way. But whatever, enough about that more about the lucid dreaming.

Long story short, lucid dreaming is great and I will continue my experiments with it. I read somewhere the ability to lucid dream can greatly increase your ability to manifest your dreams. Visualization is very key.

I write a lot

2012-01-07T08:46:00.001-05:00

It's the best way I know how to express myself. I wish my drawing skills were better but I figure if God wanted me to be that type of artist he would have given me natural talent. I'm a doodler, that's the extent of my art skills. I'd be the bomb paint by number artist though. I'm a self proclaimed color expert.

But back to writing, I love it but if only I didnt have ADHD (I self diagnosed), I would have written a series of books like Harry Potter and Twilight by now. I seriously have to do better. This is the shit I wake up with on my mind. All the things I need to do before my life starts downwardly spiraling out of control.

Im realizing that as much as I am very go with the flow about a lot of things, I am super controlling at the same time. The controlling aspect of my personality is more focused towards myself and the things I allow me to do than the idea of controlling other people. I lack discipline and will power. Couple that with no focus and lack of motivation and you have a person who will continue to bullshit their life away if i don't make myself change.

I don't want to wake up one day and realize I didn't do anything in life that I always wanted to do. But it's hard having all this free will to decide how you want your life to go when you're not sure if you'll be able to support yourself and make a living off the things you want to do in life.

I worry about my livelihood a lot because I know that while I may have people who love me, they are not gonna support me. It's just me and I'm the only person responsible for myself. And I want to be able to live comfortably and not have to depend on others financially. By others, I mean people but also working a job just for money to live.

I wanna live and money become a by product of that. I'm in a personal year 4 and my major focus for this year will be building my foundation and security for the next couple years. Money wise I fucking suck. I have no financial skills whatsoever. I can't save money for shit. And then I have a problem paying off my debts in the proper manner. I'm a money hoarder, which explains why I can never keep any money for a long period of time.

But I know that when I get my finances in order and start implementing things that make me a good steward of my money then Imma be the shit. I just need to find out exactly what those things would be to help me manage my money better.

And I need to make myself realize this is all a work in progress. Im so accustomed to instant results that it's hard to process in my mind that some things take more time and effort. The ways of the world are fucking my life up lol

Wise words from a decent man

2012-01-07T08:06:00.001-05:00

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

Paulo Coelho

Vision Board

2012-01-06T17:10:00.001-05:00

Finally getting started on my vision board for 2012. I'm using this month to plan what I want to accomplish for 2012. I read an article in Oprah's magazine that talked about being specific in your wants and the universe will take care of making sure it comes to you. I do believe in that to some degree. I'm a little skeptical but I'm skeptical of everything until it proves itself.

So this year im testing out the law of attraction, the power of believing and having good intentions, karma, and God, in general. Its a lot of things that I would like to accomplish this year. And they say to dream big because anything is possible.

I watched a YouTube video called The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I recommend it to the world. Very inspiring and motivating. It got me thinking about my childhood dreams and what I've always wanted to accomplish in life, in general. I needed that.

As far as I can remember, I've always wanted to find the man of my dreams and start a family. I've never really thought of anything else besides love. That's the only thing I know I need in life. It's what makes me happy. To be with people I love. To do things I love. To buy things I love. If it involves love, I'm all for it. So I feel it's only right that this year I focus on love so that I can attract all the lovely things that i want in my life.

This is the year of the lover, in my Lloyd voice. "let's have a baby, let's do something crazy" 2012 will be a great year and I refuse to spend it being depressed. Life gone work with me this year. Imma make sure of it.

I just told my mom I was depressed

2012-01-05T15:51:00.001-05:00

And she asked if she could do anything and i said no. And then she said well maybe you should be depressed more often, you look good today. Told me my breasts were hanging out and i looked like a video vixen Lmao!

Okay God Imma lighten up. I know it could be worst. Thanks!

Today I cried for the first time this year

2012-01-05T15:47:00.001-05:00

And it actually felt good. I was a little worried I was turning into a sociopath. I been numb to everything for a while and it's good to know that I do have feelings but got damn, is life suppose to be this hard? I try, I really do. I always give my best. I'm a good person. I don't know what I'm missing.

And I'm just tired of trying to find my missing link. I'm depressed. But the show must go on right? *sigh* yeah I'm sick of that shit too. Smiling when I feel like crying. I don't want people feeling sorry for me but I would love for somebody to make me feel like they care about me and my well being for once.

I guess putting the smile on my face doesn't help but what else am I supposed to do?? Be miserable?? Yeah fuck that. It's enough miserable people in the world, I don't need to contribute to that shit. Imma get it together. Pray for me lol. I'm not as distraught as I may come across but seriously pray for me. I need all the help I can get.

Fuck Sprint

2012-01-05T13:14:00.001-05:00

And I mean that with everything in my soul. How you gone tell me you gone charge me $5.00 just to have a spending limit that I don't want and half the time is irrelevant because if I don't pay my bill on time you gone turn my shit off anyway? Man fuck sprint.

Imma be short $5 every fucking month. Fuck them! I should have never got rid of my prepaid for this bullshit. I'm so mad right now. I think I gave up weed too early. This might not be the year for that. Already.

Social networking

2012-01-05T08:35:00.001-05:00

So two days ago, I deactivated my Facebook and sent my last tweet on twitter. I've come to realize that those two social sites are distractions in my life. I enjoy twitter more mainly because I like to know how people think and it's a little more real than Facebook. But ratchetness and low thinking has taken over both sites, and I can't deal. I hate when people say dumb shit that makes no sense.

Like this one dude was tweeting about how he don't want his girl to be too good at sex cause then he wonder how she got that good and then he assume she a hoe. Hoes not the only ones who know how to sex a man up very well. Regular women take just as much pride in their sex game as hoes. That's men get stuck with lackluster bitches that they don't really want because they too busy worrying about dumb shit.

Sex is an important part of a relationship so why shouldn't all women be working on getting their skills up. And a woman could have been in a relationship for years and got all her sexual skills together with one guy. She could have read books and watched porn to get tips and used them on you.

Men be so quick to label a woman a hoe. And honestly, we all hoes if we go by men standards. So men instead of worrying about whether your girl was a hoe or not, you should be worried about how she treat you. How much she love you. How much she cares about you and if she bringing you down or uplifting your spirit.

You niggas be concerned about the wrong shit and then wonder why all the bitches you end up with can fuck you real good but that's about it. Do better.

Lmao

2012-01-03T19:52:00.001-05:00

So I just read my last post and I didn't do shit on that list. I guess promises don't mean shit to me either lol. Man I don't know what to do with myself. I just gotta do better and it's no way around it. See when I give myself deadlines I wait until the last minute. But Imma fix all that very soon.

Imma be stuck in my hometown all month with nothing to do. I'm quitting weed tonight. Imma be broke as fuck cause all my bills due this month. And I picked up like 3 just last month. Smh. So Imma have plenty of free time on my hands cause I'm not gonna be able to do shit.

I might write a book. Screenplay. Regular play. TV pilot. Relationship blog. Couple photo shoots. Start a music venue. Restaurant. Record a mix tape. Create a rap lyric homage tee shirt line. Who knows?

Loose Ends

2011-12-13T16:36:00.001-05:00

So I pretty much just ran across the coolest explanation of my destiny number 9. Like it was the shit forreal. It described me so well, I could feel my soul smiling. Because it was like THANK GOD somebody gets me. Whoever wrote that gets me. Sometimes you just need one somebody in the world to let you know you are not crazy. And whoever wrote that was it for me. THANK YOU!!!!

But what I came to do was list things that I need to complete before the new year is over. I'm not taking anything I don't have to or want to into the new year. I want a clear mind to start my year off with. Lord knows I need it.

Unfinished Business of 2011

1. Life Coach Class
2. Clarification on a love relationship
3. Court Papers that need filing
4. Property Taxes
5. Send tax papers to Financial Aid office
6.

As I'm thinking of more things to write, I realize that I don't really have too much unfinished business. And the most difficult thing to do will be the clarifying of a love relationship mainly because that's relying on another person. All the other things can be done easy. I guess I handled things pretty well this year. I'm trying to think if I'm beefing with anyone personally but nope, I've made up with the last of them this past weekend. Well I know one person who hates me, but I'm not sure if she and I will get along anytime soon. We'll see...

Well that makes me feel better knowing that I don't have too many loose ends to tie up before the end of the year. I don't normally do the whole, I'm ready for the new year thing, but this time I actually am. I'm waiting on word from this job offer that would make my new year wonderful, but either way, I plan for 2012 to be something special. In all aspects of my life, personal, professional, spiritual, all that.

Sigh

2011-12-13T09:09:00.003-05:00

Woke up with him on my mind again. Sigh. I must be dreaming about him and just not remembering once I wake up. I don't know what to do anymore. I've given it to God once again. I've said everything I've wanted to say. I would have like to say it face to face but the opportunity didn't present itself. Sorta but I was being a friend at that time. I just never really say what I want to say to him when we are in each others presence. Its like I forget everything because I'm so in the moment that I just don't care. Its so irrelevant to me that I don't see the point of bringing anything up. I assume that he can tell how I feel by now. He should know everything by now. But that's still an assumption on my part. I want to know for sure if he knows. Sigh.

I'm not gone let this get to me though. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was gonna be just fine. I thought with all the good shit going on in my life that I would be happier. And I am. I have my ultimate freedom back. I can come and go as I please now. But it hard being my ultimate happy self when I have no one to really share in my excitement. Everybody is happy for me, but I want someone to be happy with me. A certain someone but sigh...who knows. Its not that I've lost faith, I'm just tired. I'm just discouraged. I'm just feeling like nothing I do is good enough. And its not like I'm really trying to be the perfect person for him, I'm being me. Every decision I make is what I would...

Okay so maybe that is kind of selfish. But they tell you to treat people how you want to be treated. Maybe I need to start treating people how I think they want to be treated. I don't know anymore. Thats why I just do me. Its much easier. As soon as I learn to stop thinking so much and just act, I will be perfectly fine. Its all the extra thoughts that fuck me up. That stop me from doing what I know I should be doing. I'm too concerned with doing the right thing all the time. And I need to just start doing what I feel.

And when it comes to him, I feel like expressing my love, but its never received how I want it to. I always end up looking crazy. Sigh. Story of my life. I just want for once for things in my love life to work out. I can make shit happen everywhere else in my life but that part of it. If its me God, fix me. Make me better. I've honestly been trying. And my mindset and attitude about Love has improved drastically. I've gotten my ego out of the way. I don't know. I just know that right now I'm still pretty much winging life and I haven't really settled down or put down roots anywhere because I'm waiting for my family to do all that. Or at least I'm waiting for a child of my own to be responsible for and making sure that they have a stable home life. I'm working off the if you build it, they will come approach. Watching How I met your mother and how Ted bought the raggedy ass house to fix up for his future family and everyone thought he was crazy except his best friend who really knew him. That same house is the house his family lives in. He believed and everything came together. I do believe thats how things work so I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm waiting for the end of the week to find out if I get this job offer that will move me back to where I was and I can live on my own again. Thats a great opportunity for me alone, but at the same time, I am hoping that it will create a better opportunity for me and my boo. If not, I know it will still be a good thing for me and I can still be happy with that. I just worry that I will never be able to get over him. That I will want to be with him forever, even if I do move on and start a family and everything. I just feel like I could get the family, get the child, and get everything else in the world that I want, and still not be satisfied because I didn't get him. The one thing in the world that I can say for sure that I know I want. Its no doubt in my mind now. I guess I'll just continue to pray about it. Thats all I can really do.

Thank you God for everything though. I'm still grateful. I always make the best of any situation. This is just proving to be a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. Sigh...

Quick Post

2011-12-02T09:33:00.001-05:00

Shoutout to God. A lot of things have been coming together very beautifully. Very natural and meant to be like. I just want to say thank you. I appreciate the love. Now hopefully my love life is being worked out as well. That would definitely be the icing and strawberries (not a big fan of cherries) on top of the cake. And if I'm dreaming really big, becoming a mommy would make my life right now :-)

But thanks for everything thus far, I am beyond grateful and can't wait for the other blessings that I know you have in store for me and my future self.

#LOVE.

Car Shopping

2011-12-02T09:30:00.001-05:00

I have a hard time making any type of major decisions and buying a car is no different. I prefer a black car because I think its a very sleek executive color. And I need it to be able to go back and forth between Maryland and NC whenever I want to go.

The color thing is not that serious because I could always get a paint job, but I do need it to be a reliable car. I'm gonna continue my search today and see if I find anything else I like. I need a two for one deal or something. That would be great.

Turning my Goals into Promises

2011-11-27T09:20:00.001-05:00

I just read an article on why making promises to yourself have a much higher success rate than having goals you want to achieve. Goals have the reputation of being things that you want to achieve but if it doesn't happen, there's no real consequence. Promises on the other hand carry an emotional attachment that your subconscious will recognize and help you work towards making sure you keep that promise.

Current Goals I am working on...

Convincing my boo that he can trust me and I only want the best for him despite his concerns
Building a better, more honest relationship with my boo so that we can be comfortable being together
Getting a job that will afford me the opportunity to live on my own again in Maryland
Doing a Beyonce Chaise compilation video for Christmas
Buying a camera
Fixing my credit to build my credit score
File court papers
Living the life I imagine

The idea is to turn all of these goals into promises. I personally take promises seriously. I rarely make promises; only if I know for a fact I can live up to it. If I tell someone I am going to do something, I 99% of the time make sure I do it. That 1% is usually something I agreed to that I didn't really want to do and I flaked for some reason. But even when I do that, I normally do something to make up for it because I know how it feels to be promised something that never happens.

Goals into Promises...

I promise myself that I will be more open and honest with my boo. I promise to make sure I voice how I am feeling so that he can fully understand where I am coming from. I promise to resist my urge to think negatively and have faith in my boo, even when I know he doesn't have faith in himself. I promise to do whatever it takes to build on our relationship and to make it work for both of us. I promise to love him with all my heart for as long as he wants me to. I promise to make his life easier and not harder. I promise the next time I see my boo face to face, I am going to tell him exactly how I feel. I promise to hold nothing back.

I promise that I will do whatever I can to move back to Maryland and live on my own again. I promise to find a job that I can use my skills to help out and make enough money to live comfortably on my own. I promise that even if I do not get the opportunity to work the job that I interviewed for, then I will go to bartending school as an alternative.

I promise that I will make the Beyonce Chaise compilation video for my aunt for Christmas. I promise I will get as many people involved in this project as I can. I promise I will stay on top of it and make sure it is done on time.

I promise I will save the money needed to purchase the camera that I want.

I promise I will contact the debt consolidation company about my credit report and what they can do to help me improve things. I promise I will pay off what i can pay off on my credit report.

I promise I will stop blowing my money and start using it on things that will help me, instead of hold me back from what i want.

I promise when I get back to Maryland I will go file my landlord tenant court papers.

I promise I will do what it takes to live the life I have always dreamed of. I promise that I will be healthy. I promise I will have a wonderful relationship with the man of my dreams. I promise I will have a child of my own. I promise I will help raise beautiful children, inside and out. I promise I will maintain a healthy emotional life for my sake and the sake of my family. I promise I will have access to all the money I need to live the life I want. I promise I will remain positive about life and everything to come. I promise I will be determined to always live and enjoy life.

Joel Osteen

2011-11-27T08:58:00.001-05:00

This mornings sermon was about being grateful. I may not always say it, but I make an effort to always be grateful of everything God has blessed me with because I know it could always be worse.

I am grateful for...

Waking up today
My body, mind and spirit
My soul
My heart
My health
My mom
My brother and his wife
My nephews
My family
My friends
My boo
The opportunity to interview for a job that seems perfect for me
The people who have been placed into my life
My hair
All the love I receive
The opportunity to make my own decisions and live the life I want in my heart
all the lessons that have made me a better person
My life and the opportunity to see another day so that I may get one step closer to my dreams
God because without him, I have no idea where I would be right now.

I can't say Thank you enough. Starting today, I will start showing my thanks and appreciation to everybody and everything in my life that I am grateful for. #amen.

Once again, Staying Positive.

2011-11-26T12:58:00.001-05:00

I have made some very much needed progress these past couple of weeks. I had a job interview for a job that I would love to work. It seems like a very easy position with minimal responsibility. I mainly have to sit at a desk and help people as needed. I can definitely do that.

My boo and I had some time together where I think it really put a lot of things into perspective for both of us and hopefully we are on the same page. I can't say for sure because I have no idea what is going on right now, but I'm just trying to remain neutral. Not positive, not negative, but just taking it all one day at a time and not expecting anything. I know what I want to happen and I will keep that in mind, but at the same time, I know what could happen and that sobers me to everything. I have faith in my boo and God though. They both know what I want, and hopefully him and God are working on giving it to me.

I'm in an okay place right. I'm not overly emotional as I was a week or so ago. The slight damper on my overall mood is mainly because the holidays just remind me of how lonely I am. Well not lonely, but how I don't have someone to share my holidays with. Well how I don't have the person i want to share my holidays with. And I should get over it, but I don't want to, I want to share my holidays with my boo. Thats honest.

All I want for Christmas is him. That's it. I'll be satisfied with that gift for life. Imma keep praying on it. God knows my heart. I'm convinced everything is going to work out positively for everyone. I'm ready to live happily ever after. I'm ready to show my boo that all those hard times he experienced in his life can be turned to good times, if he let me. God please let him let me. I know his situation right now is hard and for what he wants its easier to keep doing what he been doing. But hopefully he realizes that life would be so much easier if he takes a chance and finally does what he wants to do in his heart. I might be starting to believe that he does love me too. We don't tell each other but I can feel it. And that's most important to me.

Fingers still crossed. I'll be happy when I can finally breathe and scream to the world (ie put it on facebook lol) that me and my boo can FINALLY be lovers again. That will be one of the best days of my life that I will never ever ever forget. It will have been a long time coming forreal. Hopefully soon. Like real soon. Christmas and New Years are coming up and I would LOVE to spend it with my boo and bring in the New Year with him and being certain about us. I know you know that God but just in case :-)

#LOVE.

God Works Fast! MUAH...

2011-11-15T01:36:00.001-05:00

So...after the previous long ass emotional post about my drowning love life, I get the most unexpected phone call. I would have never guessed in a million years. Shout out to God. He always RIGHT ON TIME! You gotta love it.

Its a crazy situation but its amazing sometimes what your mind focuses on. He was telling me about all the crazy shit that happened tonight, and how he felt like it was going to be a big argument because of it. And I'm thinking, damn, he remembered my number. LMAO. I'm not really the friend for advice; I'm more of the lend you an ear and shoulder to cry on type. I didn't have any real words of support or encouragement other than agreeing with him but I didn't want to rile him up anymore than he already was. I'm just going to pray that no one does or say anything too outrageous or regretful.

It never ceases to amaze me how I can be miles away and not even have any contact whatsoever with the man of my dreams, but we get accused of fucking and everything else all the time. The song "I Should Have Cheated," by Keyshia Cole comes to mind. And on that note, I'm out for today. You already know my mind is going a mile a minute. I may not even sleep tonight because of this.

#wheretheweedat

Imma get tired of sighing one day

2011-11-14T18:38:00.001-05:00

But until that day comes (INSERT INTENTIONAL LOUD ASS DRAMATIC SIGH HERE)...

Being the bigger person sucks ass. Like really. You grow up all your life with people telling you to do the right thing, treat people how you want to be treated, be above childish things, but what they don't tell you is that shit does not get you results. All of that shit gets you taken advantage of, disrespected and walked all over.

I speak from experience and as you can see its not a good experience. Even the people who I know love me, appreciate me and care about me still take advantage of me, disrespect me and walk all over me. I try not to allow it but even then somehow it continues to happen. And when I try to take a stand and do what I want, I get called the bad guy or I'm labeled as the problem. I honestly feel like I can't win no matter how hard I try to be me.

I am a nice person who can be ruthless at times. I am very understanding when I feel something needs to be understood, otherwise, I'm matter of fact as a motherfucker. I can communicate but at the same time I know when to shut up. Its like no matter how hard I try, I can never get exactly what I want. Being a medium emotion balanced type person is hard because I'm constantly fighting myself.

I rarely have feelings towards anything, so when I do, I listen. Well I'm learning to listen better. And right now, I have all these feelings that I don't understand where they come from. I feel a little sad now and lately its always because of things going on with me and the man I think is THE ONE. I've been okay for a while, but its getting to the point where I'm starting to lose it again. I honestly thought I was over everything. I thought I had dealt with all my feelings concerning him and the whole situation. I'm numb and I don't know if thats a good or bad thing anymore. I thought it was good because it detached me from the situation and I could rationally think without my feelings being involved. But if there are no feelings involved then whats the point? And I say to myself that I just want him to be happy even if its not with me, but thats a lie I tell myself to make me feel better about whats going on.

If imma be miserable, I want him to be miserable too. I'm feeling like if I can't have him, I don't want anybody. And I know me. I'll be stubborn. I'll never love somebody like that again. Not because I'm scared but because I know that the feelings I had for him were real, and from my experience, I don't have that feeling too often. The way I feel about him is how i feel about my mom and brother, the two people in this world that I know got me. no matter what. They don't always do everything for me, but they are there when I need them, and that works for me because I don't want people doing everything for me.

I can't be mean to them. I cant not do something they ask me to do or want me to do for them. I have the utmost respect for them and I can't say that about most people I love. And I can't say that I want to be this way with anyone other than them. They are my heart forreal. I couldn't ask God for two better people in my life. I don't know if I've ever Thanked God for them, but I really do appreciate it.

And its just so hard knowing that I felt the same way about Marcel, and he couldn't care less cause to me, he doesn't care at all. And I don't know what hurts my feelings the most because I can never get a clear answer or explanation from him. When he told me that he thought about me a lot and started to think I must be the One, I was too excited. Beyond ecstatic. I couldn't show it though because I didn't want to get my hopes up again and be disappointed. Which is what happened. Probably because I didn't react how I really wanted to. But with the track record of this man thus far, what else was I suppose to expect? I got into the habit of protecting my feelings when it comes to him because he is probably the only person in the world who makes me have all these feelings that I can't control or explain.

I have been trying to get to the root of everything but I feel like it all comes down to the fact that I'm not with him and it makes me sad because before all the drama and bullshit, shit was cool between us. Always have been. And its frustrating that this situation has colored his entire view of me when I made an conscious effort to show him the person I wanted to be when I was with him. I am a nice girl. I know I say all the time that nobody is that nice, but I try to be. I manage what I consider to be bad and I always make an effort to be understanding, and attentive, and just simply listen before I just to conclusions and start bitching about shit. I wanted to show him that I was not like most women who get a man and want to control their every move. I wanted to be different because I am different. I understand that somethings aren't as important to other people as they are in my head. A misunderstanding can easily be talked and worked through with honest communication. I jump to conclusions. I'm a skeptic. I don't believe shit until I can see proof. I wanted to be the woman that he wanted, and its funny because I was naturally the woman that he wanted, so it was easy for me to be that with him. I think thats why I liked him so much too. Even though I always accommodate myself to other people naturally, with him being myself was more effective than anything.

It even makes me feel weird talking about all this because I can't say anything for sure. Marcel poured his heart out to me and then took it all back pretty much. But he always does that. He will do what he wants and then feel bad or regret it for whatever reason. Probably just a habit he's developed over the years. Especially if you've always been forced to do things, or felt forced and had to sneak to do what you really wanted to do. Or if what you want to do starts interfering with what you have to do and I know how that can cause a lot of inner turmoil. Idk this is all speculation because I can only assume when it comes to him. He tells me that I been stressing him out since he met me, but when I ask him to explain, he says he can't tell me because its personal. And shit like that frustrates me even more because its obvious that you must give a fuck about me if I stress you out. I don't know of anything that you don't give a fuck about that can stress you out. The only shit that stress me out is the stuff that I care a lot about and thats stuff I love. Well not even stuff, lets say people. And it makes me feel like I've made up everything in my mind. It makes me feel like I'm fucking crazy. I don't trust myself anymore. he won't validate my feelings for him. He won't admit anything when it comes to me. Not even to me. And I know how that is because it took me a while to admit to myself that I liked him. That I loved him. That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

Shit in fact, we've been, for lack of a better word, dealing with each other for almost 4 years now. The first year was fun for me. I enjoyed his company and visited him frequently for us not to be living in the same state. I saw him just about every two weeks. He didn't know this but I would come to Maryland to see him. I had no other plans. If I saw him, I was good. Then a little over the 2nd year, I moved to Maryland and we saw each other way less than I hoped. He doesn't know this either, but he had a lot to do with me deciding to move to Maryland. And I was devastated when he ignored the shit out of me when I started living there. I was in tears every night wondering why we he treating me like this. I wrote this long ass letter that I never gave him, and I just gave up all hope on us. Then he popped back up into my life out of the blue after I had decided to move on, and I was happy again. Im not gone lie, I was mad he thought he could just pop back up like nothing had happened, but he is my kryptonite and I couldn't resist. And this time, things were going better than ever with us. I got my own apartment and he damned near live there without keeping his clothes there and having a key. He came on his own always and it wasn't until coming up on the 3rd year that i had to start asking him to come see me.

During that rough patch where I had decided to start moving on, he got a girl pregnant. And I found out, and was devastated, once again. Because I knew that this would be the one thing that i could not compete with. I knew that he wanted to be a good father to his child and he would do whatever it takes so he could do that. And whatever it takes included his baby mama. I was distraught. I still haven't gotten over that. I can't fake. To see his son doesn't bother me, but just to know that our relationship was given up on all because he had a baby by another girl still breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart even more because as much as I want to hate him for it, I can't because I probably would have done the same thing initially, if I was him.

I hear him talk about his son and I get jealous. I want someone to love too. Someone that I feel I can put all my time, money and effort into and it will be worth it. I'm just not the type of person who gets joy from doing these things for myself. I'm straight. What I can't do for myself, I know God got me. Idk its just better doing things for other people to me. Because I always get people telling me that I need to look out for myself, and do this and that for myself. But I do, I'm self-minded so I always consider me, even when it may seem as if I don't. I don't doubt my ability to continue to do me. I always will. That will never change. But I'd rather my time, effort and money go into something of my interests. Something that I can rely on for the long haul. An investment that will have a ROI. I know I'm speaking very business like but I'm actually referring to love.

If I'm going to commit to a love relationship, then I want my love to be forreal. I want my love to be appreciated. I want my love to be understood. I want my love to reciprocated. I don't want any form of fabrication at all. And I know the difference between real and fake love. I know what people do when they really care and love someone. The hard part is that people are getting so good at faking real love that it is getting even harder to distinguish. Real love won't go away when all the good reasons why you love someone does. Real love will actually love harder when there is no reason to love at all. Its not stupidity, its love. It becomes stupid to me when its very apparent that your love is not reciprocated and that is why I feel a mess right now. As much as I want to believe that Marcel has feelings for me, I can't 100% say it. I can't prove it. I can't do anything but speak on how I feel and make assumptions based off the things he says to me. Gut feeling, deep down I know he loves me. I know he cares. I know he knows that what me and him have is real. It wasn't put together or produced as a result of a single event that could have been anybody honestly. We had a spark from the beginning. I know he felt it too. I know he did. He gets me. I get him. And even when we don't, we just let each other have it. That's love to me.

Love to him is somebody who doesn't leave him. Its been 4 years now. The first year was cool. The 2nd was stressful. The 3rd was a dream until reality hit. And this 4th year has been the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. I don't know what to think of anything anymore, which is probably a good thing because now I have to just react to my feelings. But thats scares me too because what if my feelings are just fabrications of things that I just want to feel about Marcel. What if I really don't like him and I'm just forcing myself to do so because I say I want to be with him? I have more than enough reason to hate his fucking guts and never want to speak to him again. But that would all be ego. Thats how Ruthless don't take any shit me feels about the situation. But nice caring understanding loving me just wants him to be happy. But the REAL ME, the nice asshole, wants him to want me on his own without my trying to convince him or explain myself. Because deep down I know that if he doesn't want me on his own, then we will never work out because I don't hold people hostage. Everyone has free will to do whatever. I can deal with my own feelings when I know exactly what is going on. I'm not gonna be the type to jump across oceans and shit to try and force someone to stay with me. I'm here if you want to love me. But you can't pick and choose to love me when its convenient for you. I don't operate well with people like that. I may not actively show my love all the time, but its always there. no matter what. I will be there for you when you really need me if I love you, despite myself. I will make a way. But I can't continue to fuck with people who want to love me only when they want it or need it.

Being a loving person, I can always feel the love that someone shows me even when you can't literally see it. And maybe I mistake focus for lack of love because I can juggle a million things, I assume others can too. I have very high standards for myself and for others. But I would never ask somebody to do something for me that I wouldn't do for them. But how can you show someone you care and you love them, when all they are concerned about is protecting themselves from getting hurt? And we all know being in love and not having that love returned is one of the most hurtful things of all. Being more loving makes them push you away. Being less loving just proves their point that you don't really care. Doing nothing is doing nothing. Moving on defeats your entire purpose. Letting go is hard when you are constantly reminded of what you don't have because its everything you know you want.

And the real sad part about all of this is that if it was me and someone was trying to convince me that the were the one, I would probably do all the exact same things he is doing to me. The more love people show me, the more suspicious I get. The less love people show me, the more I feel better because it proves my point that they didn't care in the first place. Doing nothing would make me wonder why they were doing nothing but it wouldn't make me put any effort towards finding out why. Moving on would get me in my feelings a little, especially if they were happy and im still single and lonely, but I wouldn't sabotage their relationship just because I missed out. I missed out. I could have had him. Letting go sort of mirrors not caring anymore, but its more of a mind trick to me than an actual letting go. Its more of non-existence of feeling. A numbness. Indifference.

I do care how things turn out because I want him to be with me. I want us to be together. And I want it to be right. I don't want it to feel wrong in any way, on anybodies part. I want us to get together and everyone to be like...FINALLY!!! Even the people who doubted us, or played their part in keeping us apart. Including ourselves. For everyone to recognize that we are lovers and appreciate what we have and what we been through to get to the point where we can live happily ever after with everyone's blessing and approval whether they like it for themselves or not. A healthy relationship with two healthy people raising a family. A blended family that works and has good intentions for each other and not secretly praying on each others downfall. Thats been the ultimate goal that I have been sticking with in my mind. Thats my current dream. Can't we all just get along forreal? Like seriously God, can't we all just get a long? Am I the problem? If so, please let me know what I need to fix. This time of year scares me because the holidays can create euphoric feelings that don't really exist. Its like from Halloween until after Valentines Day, any couple that can't regroup and rekindle a flame then, should consider finding a new spouse. 100%. How the fuck can all that good time and good feeling not drum up more love between people? I just feel that this is definitely the worse time for me to be having hope about marcel and I's future together. Because really the holidays just put everything into perspective for me. It makes it all very it is what it is. Another thanksgiving spent with family members who have their own families to feel apart of while I still feel so alone. Another Christmas without being able to share the holiday spirit with my snuggie. Another new years of not having someone special to kiss when the clock strikes midnight.

I know I could change my attitude and make the holiday season be about so much more, but thats what I want my holiday season to be about. Those are the moments I haven't experienced and want to share in with someone very special to me. All the things I want to do in life now, I want to share with someone who is going to be there with me through it all. I want a partner. A spouse. A man. A boo. A significant other. Whatever term you choose to use for it. But that's the point that I have gotten to in my life. That will mean more to me than anything else in the world. I feel like having a good partner in my life is the first giant step to really getting everything I want in life. And thats a lot of responsibility, but I won't mind being responsible for it. I will want to do it. Doing things in the name of love never feels like work to me. I do it because it comes natural. Marcel is natural to me. I meet other guys and it feels so forced, and i can't function like that. I need freedom. I need to feel comfortable. I need stability, but it can't control me. Or if it does control me, then I want the controls to be conditions that I have chose on my own. I sound so complicated on paper, but at the core of everything I'm very simple. If I was a man, I would have probably married my high school sweetheart. But because I am a woman with my mindset, things are a lot harder. And because I like a challenge, I tend to attract difficult people who I can't control. It frustrates the fuck out of me, but I love it at the same time. No one has made me question myself as much as Marcel has. No one has ever made me question my motives, and morals and values like him. And as much turmoil it has caused me the past two years, I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has made me a much better person in the way that I treat others, but most importantly, myself.

He helped me grow out of myself and expand what I envisioned myself being in life. It put a lot of things into perspective for me. Some of them very sobering realities such as my lifelong dream of becoming a mom. Or just the idea that I always get what I want. I guess I don't always get what i want. At least not when I want it. Or in the form of how I want it. A compromise is not a settlement. I have to remember that. I thought I was settling because I was afraid of dating. But my being afraid of dating comes from a place of knowing that most people are not comfortable being themselves. Dating is whack to me because its a ritual where people just try to impress each other instead of just being real with each other. Thats just my personal opinion. I'm a Fuck all the bullshit type person, lets be real. Thats a lot of the problem with me and Marcel is that instead of being real, we react off each other. And our reactions are never what the other is really looking for. Or at least we never show it. I don't know. A bunch of bullshit for nothing is all I can really say. If we had kept it real from the start, I know for a fact things would be different. But i don't know if they would be any better. Maybe the way things happened was for the best. Because I don't want to be with someone and commit myself if they aren't ready to do the same for me. I was in it for the long haul, I think I still am. I'm not sure. Its not really in my hands anymore, I've given it to God. I've said everything I wanted to say. I cleared my chest and the air. I've expressed how I felt. And now its just a matter of how my message was received. When I say I want things to be right, I mean no drama. no beef. No bullshit. Just peace, harmony, love, good intentions, respect, consideration, compassion. No negative feelings. A good moment. A good time. For everyone, not just me. If I get what I want, but everyone else is suffering but me, I couldn't enjoy it. I need for everyone to want it or at the very least allow it.

Idk I feel like I'm speaking in parables whenever I talk about this because it makes sense in my head, but thats on the assumption that Marcel has feelings for me and loves me. I can confidently say I am about 50% sure. I say 50 only because I want to give myself the benefit of the doubt. The more I think, the more I tell myself he never loved me. It was all situational. He's a good liar. He's a good faker. Those are all the things I tell myself, but my heart knows better. He's a terrible liar and its hard for even the greatest pretender to fake their feelings. Believe me, I know that much from experience. Thats the one thing you cannot escape. You will always have your feelings. And if you don't do anything about minimizing or maximizing the feelings, they won't change. Ever. Being numb to a situation doesn't take away your negative feelings, it just makes the pain of them easier to deal with. Experience talking once again.

I'm at a stand still with my feelings right now. I feel like i'm having a duel between my heart and mind forreal. And my mind is winning because its rational and it makes perfect sense to me whereas my heart consists of feelings that i can't be sure they exist in accordance with the truth. The feeling that I had a month ago when Marcel told me what I had been wanting to hear from him for ever, was wonderful. I didn't feel crazy anymore. I didn't feel like everyone in the world thought I was just some homewrecking bitch tryna destroy a family. I felt like all my efforts were worth it. That everything was gonna be fine. I believed FINALLY without a doubt. And to all that comfort ripped out from under me in a matter of days was once again, devastating. I'm getting to used to be devastated. It makes you hard. Its make you unfeeling. It forces you to put up a wall that you probably wouldn't have up otherwise. It makes you extra skeptical of people, yourself, life, love and just living in general. Who can really live when you so scared of everyone trying to hurt you? I can't. I have to believe there is good in people, otherwise I would have killed myself a long time ago. And thats just me being honest. Sounds a tad depressing but its true. My sunny and hopeful disposition on life is more of a survival tactic than anything. The world is fucked up. People are fucked up. And we all can't take it out on each other. Somebody has to smile. Somebody has to give hugs. Somebody has to make people believe that its okay to want better things for your life. Its okay to leave someone who doesn't make you feel good to be with someone who does. When in love, its a fine line between loyalty and stupidity. I feel like I tip-toe that motherfucker all the time. Especially in this situation. I don't regret anything. I dont really wish I did anything differently because I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't. I have a sane mind. Its not very peaceful or harmonic, but its pretty sane and down to earth. I have my idiosyncrasies but who doesnt? I thank God for everything. Thank you for making writing a way for me to get my feelings out. It really does help me a lot. It doesn't change how I feel but it at least lets me get the thoughts out of my mind.

In due time all is well, and I can use my other phrase to mark the beginning of greatness...AND SO IT BEGINS...thats what Im waiting for...(insert I been waiting for what seems like forever sigh here)

Dear Lupe Fiasco,

2011-11-09T11:31:00.001-05:00

I've tried to ignore everything that I have been seeing concerning you lately, and I have gotten to the point where I cannot. I know you don't care, but I thought I would say what I want to say anyway.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU???

Like really, what the fuck is going on with you? I was concerned when I saw your video with Trey Songz and you looked a fucking mess. And by fucking mess, Im referring to that shit on the top of your head that I'm assuming you refer to as hair. Is Simon too busy to cut your hair now? Do you need to hire a barber? I think you should. I saw Sammy mentioned that you were locing your hair, so I guess that explains the homeless looking exterior. I guess.

And I gotta speak on the Obama comment too. Really? As African Americans, we finally get a man who looks like us in the white house and you want to call him a terrorist. Smh. Its a good thing people just label you as that crazy skateboard rapper who always stirring up shit because otherwise people would have took you seriously. If Obama is a terrorist, so are you. We all are. Because we are all Americans and Obama's role is to be the face of America and represent us, so therefore if he is a terrorist, so are we. I just thought that whole situation was another blow to your career. I'm sure you're making money, but who respects you? That's the million dollar question.

The more things that I hear about you, the more I almost want to believe Pro and all his ranting and raving about how Lupe is all about Lupe. Always have been, always will be. I'm starting to think that it was easier to make him look like he was the crazy one but the way your career has unfolded, I can tell that Pro was not all wrong. You don't want anybody in your camp to be better than you. To get more recognition than you. You feel like you are the best and you helped put everybody on so they should all kiss your ass and thank their lucky stars. I call it the Jay-Z effect. He's suffering right now respect wise because he can't handle being second best or if Imma be really real, he getting old and all these young niggas out here remind him of that daily. But thats another subject...

Being a fan of yours since the moment I actually listened to your music, I am disappointed. I will admit to being out of the loop when it comes to you. I have no idea what you're doing. Brandi told me you were on the tail end of a tour. I hope everything went well with that.

I feel a little bad for saying all of this. I don't like pointing out other people's faults because people assume that I am trying to make myself look as if I am perfect. Or that I am judgmental, or a hater or whatever. But this is all coming from a place of love and wanting to see you succeed as you should. You make great music and you are a successful artist. A lot more successful than the majority of artists who only get fame from making music. But to me, what is most important is your artistry and the amount of respect you get from it. The artists that are respected the most are the ones who stay true to themselves and don't mind sharing the spotlight. Prime example, Lil Wayne. His team is winning. Or at least they all feel like they are in their own ways.

And maybe your team feels like they are winning too. Maybe I'm wrong. And if I am, please clarify because as a fan and supporter of your music (I actually paid money for your last album even though I havent been interested in Lupe Fiasco for years now), I just want to know what is going on. Maybe everything going on is what you envisioned. I'm perfectly cool admitting to being absolutely wrong, but Imma think I'm right until YOU clarify for me.

A Concerned Fan,
MUAH!!!!

Positive...Positive...Positive

2011-11-05T15:27:00.001-05:00

Remaining positive about things that usually end up fucked up is hard. I can see where I make progress but its like watching a fucking flower bloom. Day to day you don't notice all the small changes that culminate into the transformation that literally happens right before your eyes. You notice the moments where change is visible enough to see with your eyes, such as when a seed sprouts and comes up through the dirt. Or when the stem grows stronger and leaves form. Then you notice the flower budding, and opening up more and more each day. You can watch the flower grow but that won't make the process happen any faster. And that is what I am trying to get into my head.

All I can do is plant the seed and hope that my time, effort and nurturing was enough for it to grow into the flower I have always imagined it to be. Or even better than what I imagined. But its hard when you feel like you're racing against a clock that doesn't really exist, but time is always of the essence. Trying to grow flowers in the winter time is like trying to build a snowman in the summer. Its just not gonna happen. And sometimes that what I feel like I'm doing. Trying to build a snowman in the summer. Trying to get a Redskins fan to wear a Cowboys jersey.

Or literally in my case, trying to convince this man that I am the one for him, and if he ever stops running away from me then we could be great. I guess. I don't know. The process has made me very weary and nervous about what I say I want. I want it. I know I do, but trying to get it has changed me. For the better. And I'm not sure that this process has changed him for the better. I'm not sure if he really learned anything from it. To me, his biggest lesson is to learn how to tell his truths, he doesn't. He uses other people to tell his truths for him and I hate it. He would rather cover shit up than to just be honest about what he wants, and go from there.

I've never felt like I had to hide anything that I wanted to do. Ever. I hide things mainly because I don't want people talking me out of shit that I know I want to do. Or I don't want people judging me for the things that I decide to do. I just want to do me. And I just want what I want but I honestly believe that things have gotten so fucked up between us that I don't know where to go from here even if the opportunity I want comes available.

I want to trust him but I know WAY TOO MUCH at this point. I know he has niggas who will create alibis for him. I know he will never admit to shit when he feels that he is in the wrong. I know that he will make me think I'm crazy for feeling how I do about him sometimes. I know that he is reactionary when it comes to his feelings and I'm more diplomatic and rational. I know that he does not want any more children and I can't wait to have a child of my own. He does not want to ever get married and I wouldn't mind having that experience one day in the near future. I'm 25 years old and I don't feel the pressure to do anything, but I do want to start my life. The life I want to live where I have a family to come home to every day. A functional family that works for me. I don't need perfect. I'm not Melanie. I just want to know that I have the love and support of a man who cares about me as much as I care about him. Who loves me like i love him. Not necessarily in the same ways, but in ways that I can be understood without having to be explained. And who cares about our family as much as I do. Who is willing to do what it takes to make sure our family grows and loves as we should. Family is everything to me. I want to work towards building something with someone that could last a lifetime as long as we are both committed to making it happen.

I read something earlier that talked about how our soulmates are people who come to us to show us what we need to do to change ourselves for the better. They are mirrors of what we need to do in order to live the life we imagined. And the argument is that being with your soulmate is very painful because it forces you to always look within yourself for the issue and that can be very painstaking and hurtful at times. But the coal would never turn into a diamond without the pressure needed to create a situation where a diamond can be produced. And you can't half ass or ignore the pressure because then you will never really transform. You may pick up some better qualities about yourself but the true potential which lies inside of you won't come to fruition as it should. You'll be an upgraded version of yourself, but you will never reach your ideal if you do not fully commit to the process and doing what it takes despite the pressure you feel all around you.

If anything, I feel like my process is over. I feel as if I have really exhausted all my options, and now all I can do is hope and pray that what I want, wants me back. I almost gave up. I had a moment where I was mad at God and wanted to know why everything was 10 times harder than it had to be. If I believe in him and I believe in Love, then why aren't things working out for me? Why is everyone so scared of my love? A palm reader told me I scare men off because I am too intense, but I've never been really good at hiding how I feel. Especially when I know my feelings are real. Its hard to run from myself. Shit sometimes, I wish I could. Its hard trying to keep a smile on your face when you really wanna cry, scream, and kill somebody all at the same time. My feelings normally come to me in floods of emotion that I can't get away from, no matter how hard I try. I've learned to let myself just go with what I feel, but maybe what I feel was never real in the first place. Maybe what I feel was created by the words and actions of another person who was only reacting how he felt he should given the circumstances, and not how he really wanted to, given the circumstances. But if he treated me the way he felt he should, then why can't he see that he should be with me then? Why is it so hard for him to move on from something he claims he never wanted from Day One? Why am I always the one who has to suffer? Why do I always get stuck healing other people? Who is my healer? How can I stop myself from being so hurt?

Because I thought backing away from the situation would help but it always makes me worse. And then when I try to confront whats going on, I always feel like things get set back in motion instead of moving forward. Its like I can't win. I'm trying my best. I really feel like I am. I could do more but more doesn't necessarily mean more effort. Its just more and I feel like thats how it will be taken. I'm not in the business of buying love, but whenever I do things to express my love, thats how I feel. Even though I know I do things for people because I want to, but why do I want to? Because I want these people to do these same type of things for me. But they rarely do. They just take what I gave them and apply it to their lives accordingly and forget all about little old me. Thats the story of my life and it gets very depressing and sad in moments like this. When you feel like you do so much for someone, and you have to ask them to do the same for you. I shouldn't have to ask, but I also have to realize that not everyone is like me. Everyone doesn't have a heart like I do. Its discouraging when all you want is to love and be loved in return, but you never really feel the love that you want in return.

I know I come across like everything in my life is perfect and I don't need anybody, but its actually quite the opposite. I need people to love me. I can't function without it. I have to know that my efforts are not in vain. I have to know that my love is shared because I do not want to waste my time loving people who can't or won't love me back. I deserve so much more. I know my worth. I'm great, in a number of aspects. I'm also good at a lot of things, and bad at a lot of things. I know I would make a wonderful companion in a relationship because I have the capacity to love without reservations. I'm honest. I like communicating my feelings when I feel comfortable doing so. I'm considerate. I'm loyal. I'm understanding. I try not to be judgmental, and always willing to hear someone else's side of the story. In fact, I prefer hearing different truths of the same situation because it allows me to get a different perspective. I'm not difficult at all. I'm very easy to love. I could adapt myself to be with anybody, but I want this one person. And no matter how hard I try not to want him, I do. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself that he hurts me on purpose, I know he doesn't. Or at least he doesn't want to.

And as much as I want to believe that he is going to do the right thing by me, I know it could all be wishful thinking on my part. But we're suppose to dream right? We're supposed to believe in love right? We're supposed to give God our problems that are too big for us to solve right? We're supposed to believe in other people and their ability to change right? We're suppose to fight for the people we love, even when they won't fight for themselves right? We're not supposed to give up on each other because you wouldn't want people giving up on you, right?

This entire experience has been a true test of my faith, and as much as I want to give up now, I know I can't. That wouldn't make God smile now would it? To have him bring me this far to give up and say I told you that Love shit was overrated; I knew it all along. But I could never bring myself to say any that because if I don't believe or care for much. I'm a natural skeptic and asshole. My only hope for my life and this world is love. If I don't believe in love, I don't believe in God and I believe in God, so therefore I have to believe in love. Even in times like this where I feel like the one person in the world that I love as much as myself and my family, doesn't love me back. Or at least he doesn't show it in ways that I can currently see. I have to hope that one day soon things will change. Love is what I live for. I will never live up to my full potential without it. So all I can do is pray and hope that things will turn around for me. That things will turn around for him. That things will turn around and work out for us. As much as I want to doubt him, I have never been so sure about anything in my life. I usually give up before I ever even try. He's always been different. He's always felt worth it. Nobodies perfect, but I think we were made for each other. Hopefully God had that same thought when we were created. At this point, only God can turn it all around and make this situation a clear positive for everyone. I'm not scared of what I want anymore. I actually want it more than ever now. I'm claiming the life I want. Its mine. I'm sorry if it upsets anyone in the process, but I never felt like something was meant for me more than this.

I'M FOCUSED MAN...

The Death of My Cousin Chaise

2011-10-12T11:22:00.001-05:00

I keep referring to that whole situation with this one quote...

"The world will never understand."

And they won't. I have learned so much from Chaise's life. When things end in my life, I tend to reflect on them and try to find the lesson that losing it is teaching me. I was devastated when I found out my cousin had died. I was horrified to find out what killed him; not once thinking it was his sickle cell disease that he had been battling with all his life. That amazes me more than anything. I always knew he had it. I was always right there when he was sick. Hospital visits, home visits, and not once did I ever see Chaise as sick. Sickly yes, but sick, never. His disease did not carry him. His body did not limit him. It restricted him yes, but whatever he put his mind to doing he fought through it and accomplished every one of his goals that I knew he had. Determination and I don't give a fuck what nobody says Imma do me personified. I have always admired him for that. Always. Still do. Always will.

His death is what made me finally make all the changes I needed to make in life. It really turned my world all the way around. I thank him for that because I don't know what it really would have took if that didn't happen. I feel like he sacrificed himself for all of us. For all the people he loved here on earth because he knew that we all had these dreams that we wanted to achieve and there was nothing in the world stopping us but ourselves. Not like him where his body was literally physically stopping him from living. When you're born with a disease that is known to kill people, I'm sure you develop a certain relationship with life and death quick. You recognize that risking too much could kill you but playing it safe means you never really live. I ad mire him so much because that is the decision I am dealing with today. And even in writing this I realize that I am scaring myself.

I'm a natural risk taker so I'm not afraid to do what I want to do. Because if I really want to do it, I will find a way. I know what is stopping me now. I'm in love with this guy that I can't get over. I don't want to get over him because I feel that he is the One for me. I want to settle down with him. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone. I have even tried hanging out with guys with an extremely open mind, probably too open, but actually trying to love someone who claims they love me. And I'm talking to guys that I find attractive, and who I who consider being with and settling down with. They just don't make me feel the way he does. They don't make me want to love them no matter what. I be out like fuck this shit with everybody else. With him, I'm willing to stick through his bullshit and the things that I can't stand about him because I know that I really love him and that he really loves me. And its breaking my heart daily to know that he still won't admit it. Everyone knows, but he just won't admit it.

And its not even that I want him to admit it just to prove me right. I want him to admit it because I feel that's the only way this shit is going to end all this fucking heartache between all of us. Its killing us all and I am desperately trying to get over it, but I can only distract myself. I can't fully get over it I just can't. I've been trying actively for the past year and nothing has really worked. I rarely think about things that don't matter to me so I know if I'm thinking about it, I am concerned for a reason. I have to be able to give myself a peace of mind and with this situation, I never get all the answers I need. Its always a fucking cliffhanger. I never fully understand the whole story. I always just get bits and pieces and have to put them together. Who the fuck can live like that? I can't. I'm sorry. I trust God and I am constantly working on our relationship and learning to trust him more and more everyday. But if I can solve a problem on my own then I feel that makes God even more proud of me. That I have used the gifts he gave me in life. That is what we are here for. If I wasn't able to make connections and piece things together then I would give my problem to God, but I also know that he reveals everything in due time. And all will be well. You just have to make it through the process and the person you imagine yourself being is who you will become.

I'm definitely in the process right now, I know that. I feel the struggle everyday. But I don't let it get to me. Or at least I try not to. I don't succeed everyday but I can say that majority of the days I am satisfied. I am appreciative. I feel complete enough within myself to go on with life and do the things that I want to do. Then I think about my love life and the support system that I want to have but don't. The part of me that is missing and I wish I had back because I was comfortable in knowing that somebody got me at the end of the day. I don't always see the signs from God. I don't always pay attention when I need to. I love so hard, I can't recognize a snake in the grass. I need someone to look out for me because as long as I am loving and its all this hate out here, people are going to be attracted to me. And that's how my ex made me feel. I felt safe. I knew he wasn't going to let anyone take advantage of me. He would fuss at me for letting people get away with so much shit when it came to me. So stuff I had to explain why, and some stuff I knew he was right about. I try to do the same thing with him, but he won't let me. He has people taking advantage of him daily, but he thinks its Love, so I can't stop him.

To me, love should never come at your expense. People should not be able to decide when they want to love you and when they don't. You either gone love me or you not. I don't deal well with in-betweens. Thats fake to me. My love is never fake. I'm always real. Shit may get fuzzy sometimes, and the lines may seem blurred, but I always come from a place of love. And its usually out of love for others, and only when I feel I need to protect myself is when I think about myself first. I'm a lover. I can't be anything else. I have tried. Even when I use the words I'm hating, I mean it in a complimentary type way. Like yeah I see you, do your thing, I'm tryna be like you when I grow up. I give credit. That's how I'm wired. It hurts me everyday to go out in the world and see all this hate. I can feel. I always can. I always have.

Its getting so much more harder to ignore the hate though. It's hurting me now because I can't love like I want to. Its bad. I just pray. Thats all I really can do.

I'll Take Any Reason

2011-10-07T10:55:00.002-05:00

To Go Shopping.

Because of the drastic and immediate change in the weather where I reside, I am forced to go buy fall clothes. I been on my bummy swag for the past week. I'm sick of this shit. I won't attract my future husband like this. I should do a before and after. I really look rough. But I am determined to be transformed by Halloween. Being the "new" me is gonna be my costume.

♥ & H8

2011-10-04T14:29:00.002-05:00

LIFE GETS REAL WHENEVER A CHILD BECOMES INVOLVED. I SUGGEST ALL YOU MEN OUT HERE WHO FUCKING WITH BITCHES THEY KNOW THEY DON'T WANT A BABY BY, PUT A FUCKING CONDOM ON YOUR PENIS BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX. TWO JUST IN CASE. HAVING A BABY GRANTS BITCHES MONEY AND POWER. AND IF YOU HAVE A HEART, MAKING THE DECISION TO RAISE YOUR CHILD WITHOUT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MOTHER, WILL BE ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISIONS YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO MAKE. AND HONESTLY UNLESS YOU ARE TRULY IN LOVE WITH THE WOMAN, THE DECISION TO STAY JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR CHILD IS NEVER A GOOD ONE. FOR HER, YOURSELF, OR YOUR CHILD. SHOWING YOUR CHILD WHAT REAL LOVE IS SHOULD COME BEFORE SHOWING THEM HOW TO BUILD FAKE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE BASED OFF SEX.

Hey,

I gotta get this off my chest. I always feel like you havethis problem with me but you never tell me what I’ve done. You never tell mewhat the problem is and I can never really tell whats wrong with you so I can’tfix it. Half the time, I have no idea what you want me to do so I just donothing because I don’t want to cause any more problems than I already seem to.But its like you keep trying to get me to be mad and if I’m wrong tell me I’mwrong, so you can use me to cuss your babymama out and I don’t know why becauseI’ve been told her and you before that I don’t care about hurting her feelings.That’s why I just shut the fuck up about shit when it comes to me and you, andI only speak on it when I feel I need to. And the only time I ever feel like Ineed to is when you don’t take the opportunity to tell the truth and you justput it all on me like I force you to talk to me or see me or some shit.

And our last conversation, I felt like I needed to saysomething to both of yall because I was tired of being played as thehomewrecker of the situation. I went along with the shit at first because yallhad me really feeling like I was fucking shit up between yall when yall wasjust tryna get your family together. I couldn’t live with that shit. And Iwanted to stop talking to you because I was really feeling bad that I wasmaking it hard for you to have what you say you wanted. But at the same time,you was telling me shit that let me know that what you was doing is not whatyou REALLY wanted to do. I always got the impression that you was only doing itbecause it was the “right” thing to do, and you know its what people wanted youand expected you to do. And you wanted to do it too, you wanted a family. Andyou’re not heartless, so I could always understand why you was doing what youwas doing. You just dont want to be with her. That’s not a fucking secret. Sheeven know it. I just couldn’t understand why you continue to keep up with thebullshit. She told me she like you forreal because of oral sex. I laughedbecause I was like Damn and he think I’m the one that fuck with him because ofhis sex.

And Im mad because its like everything you was telling meabout yourself and your situation was the opposite of what everyone else knewabout you. But even then, the niggas you fuck with was talking about how theycould tell you hated your babymama and was with her because *blank* was talkingyou into it. They just don’t say that shit to you, but everybody know all yourbusiness. I was mad because niggas was telling shit about me too. Because *blank* was asking *blank* about me and you a while ago and he was saying how *blank* be telling *blank* all your business and I knew my name had to come up because *blank* was like Damn *blank* must really like *blank*, and *blank* was like no, *blank* isin love with him. No question. And I thought that shit was so crazy how *blank* of all people was the only one who could see that I won’t trying to fuck yourlife up. I care about you. I try not to but I do. Please believe me when I tellyou that my life would be so much better if I could stop. I been trying to notcare ever since the day I found out you was having a baby. I tried my best toconvince myself it was only because of the sex. “I love the way he eat me, butI don’t love em” lmao! Sorry that popped up in my head, I had to write it. Lol.But forreal, I really did try to tell myself that I only cared about youbecause of sex, but then that’s around that time where you made me feel like anympho and I could tell you had a problem with me just trying to fuck you. So Itried to control myself around you, and that shit was hard. Like I don’t think it’sa bad thing for me to want to fuck you all the time. That’s a good sign to me.I usually get tired of fucking people. Me wanting to fuck you all the time wasanother reason I really liked you.

And it is very obvious to me that you talk to people aboutme because you always end up all angry and saying shit like aint no bitch orsum pussy gone make you mess up your family. And not once in my life have you EVERtalked to me like that. You always refer to her as your babymama to me. Itsalways about “your situation,” you don’t say family to me. You don’t talk likethat shit is home like at all. You don’t even say fuck, you say hump. Andpussy, I promise I have never heard you use the words pussy the entire time webeen talking. Until your babymama, I have never heard you call any female abitch. You always said woman. That’s the *blank* I know. Silly ass *blank* wholived in these apartments on *blank* off *blank* who would stand in the mirrorbutt ass naked in broad daylight waving at cars that passed by. The *blank* whoI always LOVED doing anything for because I loved seeing your eyes light uplike a little kid on Christmas. You always looked so excited and I loved it. Lol.I could tell you appreciated the shit I did because you would always let meknow. And that always made me want to do more. I miss that *blank* . Now wheneverI do anything nice for you, I feel like you expect me to do it or I feel like I’mtryna buy your love or something. Like it’s a competition or some shit. Itmight be all in my head but you expect me to be nice understanding *blank* allthe time, and that’s cool cause that’s who I am as a person. But don’t be doingfucked up shit towards me and be expecting me to still be nice about shit. Becausethat’s not gone happen. I can be a heartless asshole just like you and I hatehaving to be that way towards you but you would fuck me on the side and have mewaiting forever. I don’t mean that in a bad way; I’m just saying I know youwouldn’t have a problem with that if I agreed to it. But I can’t agree to thatshit cause I know I would be fucking you on the side forever. That’s how much Ilike you. I’m not even tryna go down that path. You know I wanna get marriedone day. I be hoping something I do will make you do something but I know it won’t.The only way you gone do something is if you want to. I know that and that’s whyI never tried to force you to do anything. I wanted you to want to be with me,and the fact that you not with me, lets me know you don’t really want to bewith me.

But why? Is it because when we first met and was chillin, *blank* told you he wouldn’t fuck with me like that if he was you all because Ifucked *blank* one night? And for the record nigga, you KNOW *blank* did not passme to you. You tried your best to fuck me and I wouldn’t do it, even after Itold you I wanted to. It was two months after that night before me and you everdid anything. I know this because I didn’t fuck you that night like I wanted toonly because I didn’t want yall niggas to think I was a hoe because I knew yalldidn’t know me and that’s what you would assume. That’s what I remember happening. I don’tknow why you try to pull shit out your ass like that because I’ve told you amillion times before that I remember every detail when it comes to you. Not thefirst night I met you, but the day afterthat, when we was all chillin at *blank* house the morning after that houseparty, you was wearing this crème colored thermal, a brown puff vest, jeans,these brown tims with the green on the side and this black hat with orange,yellow, and green squiggly lines on the side and a circle in the middle. I knowyou remember that outfit even if you don’t remember that day. I mean what I sayto you about how I feel even if I don’t act like it all the time. I don’t hateyou. I never will. And we can always be friends again when you decide to stopbeing a ruthless motherfucker, because you know I do know better. Punk . J

Life is Confusing

2011-09-29T17:26:00.001-05:00

In my experience, those who would die for their loves seem to end up with the most hate. Being great is cool as long as you are not TOO GREAT. But you should be yourself at all times. Oh and be politically correct to. Therefore other people feelings should mean more than yours. You should protect their feelings at all cost, and deal with yours privately. But not too privately, everyone should have someone they can talk to. But you should never trust anyone with all your thoughts. That gives them too much power over you, and people who have power over you can control you. But only if you let them. So you must be able to distinguish from those who are trying to control you and those who are trying to help you. Its a thin line just like love and hate. You can find yourself on either side of the fence at any moment. stay in the middle. but make sure that if asked you can chose a side. nobody likes an indecisive person. people like go-getters, but not opportunist. you can take an opportunity but only if its offered to you. make them offer it to you. Dont steal from anybody, but its okay if you really need it cause most companies have money set aside for theft. I could go on and on forever with how confusing life is but I'm gonna die one day anyway, and it will all make sense then. I just enjoy my time here trying to make sense of the things I can and learning to let go of things I cannot.

Teairra Mari

2011-08-27T10:20:00.001-05:00

"I ain't have no daddy around when I was growing up, thats why I'm wild and I don't give a fuck"

I loved that song by Teairra Mari, mainly because that line just spoke to me and I could definitely relate. I didn't grow up with my biological father, but I've had many men in my life who played major roles in how I feel about men.

My grandfather played a very big part in what I think about men. He was a provider, and I do believe he loved my grandmother, but he is a ruthless spoiled motherfucker who always has to have his way and thats how he set up his household. He was very controlling and disrespectful to my grandmother on many occasions, but he was also an alcoholic. I don't think my grandfather every really wanted kids and a family, but I do applaud him for at least providing for them, even though his example as how a man should treat a woman definitely fucked up his children, men and women. For a long time growing up, I thought my grandfather was my father because I lived with them all my life and I never knew anything different. I called him grandpa but as far as what the outside world defined as a father, he was that for me.

I have a host of uncles and cousins who showed me a lot about men as well. Uncles with a rack of kids outside his marriage. In fact, I find out about a new one almost every 3 years. No bullshit. Then there's my uncle who is so in love with his wife that he wants to control her every move all the time. Or my uncle who is not really controlling but he makes a lot of demands on my aunt, and as his wife she feels obligated to fulfill them. Or another uncle who is the provider, and wife of the relationship. My aunt has to do nothing but fuck him and look good, and she gets whatever she wants. Then there is my cousin who so desperately wants to be a good man, but he can't get over his past to learn to trust someone because of all the fucked up things he has done to women in his life. But he is only reacting to how he feels woman have treated him and he takes it out on the next girl.

*TANGENT* To me, that is all very dysfunctional and just too much. Those are the kinds of men I am used to dealing with and seeing in my life. I do believe it is possible for a man to be faithful, but I believe that the man has to love me and my company first, in order for that to begin to happen. I cannot deal with a man trying to control me, or having these set expectations of me. Just let me do what I know needs to be done. I'm very observant and responsive. If you got me, Imma get you, without ever having to think about it first. Its just gone be done. I don't mind give and take relationships when it comes to friends and associates, but as far as my family goes, I shouldn't have to do something for you, so that you will do something for me in return. We should just do what we can for each other without ever having to be asked. Thats how I feel and thats the kind of man that I want. A man who not worried about me trying to take advantage of him or feeling like I'm doing this and she not doing that, so im not doing this anymore until she start doing that again. Thats just too much extra games and shit for me. To me, grand acts of love are for show. I understand some people like to do it big, but normally people do stuff because they want others to notice what they are doing. To show me love when no one is looking or taking note, thats what really counts. Thats how I know they did it because they wanted to do it for me. Thats a rare find out here in a world where everyone cares about themselves and nothing else. I'm an advocate for caring about yourself because you gotta do that before you can ever care about others. But you cannot just say fuck everybody and only help and reach out to you and yours. It just don't work like that. *TANGENT*

Then there is my older brother. Funny I don't even really remember him growing up because I found out that my grandmother didnt like us playing together because I was a girl and years younger than him. But I do remember my brothers presence in other ways such as through songs that he would play all the time like 'The Fugees, Ooh La La La. Or how I would sit and watch him play video games sometimes. Or he told me how we would watch X-men together on Saturday mornings. Now my brother is no saint, but the one thing I can say about him is that he definitely tries to be a good man, and he succeeds. I'm sure him growing up without a father affected him totally different than it did me because he is a man, but he made it into a positive and has dedicated his life to his family and making sure that he provides and teaches his sons the lessons he wish somebody was there to tell him when he was younger. My brother is what I call a REAL MAN. He is with someone who loves him, and he loves her back equally. He didn't settle being with someone just because they had a child together; he did it out of love and understanding and recognizing that the grass probably won't gone be better on the other side. I respect him so much for that because a lot of boys think doing the right thing is about forcing yourself to be with the woman for the childs sake. But if you really care about the child, then you would never put them in a position to not see real love. no matter what.

I like to believe that is where my father was coming from in his thinking and giving me and my brother up. He knew he won't shit and we deserved better. He was looking out for us and not himself. I will give him that much. Even though I honestly believe that he thought my mom was lazy and wanted to live off him, and he knew that she won't dealing with bullshit and he would have to act right. Thats my guess. I may never really know and if I ever get the opportunity to sit down with my father, I will take it because I just want to know the story. My mom has a hard time discussing stuff that has hurt her and I know her perspective is skewed to where she feels everything is personally geared at her specifically. She is not a biased source even though I have never heard her say a bad word about my father, I know she feels some type of way towards him.

Whenever I think about marriage and settling down with someone, I get nervous and feel like I'm just not too sure about a lot of people. I need to be with someone who can handle their own because I can't be responsible for anyone other than myself. Imma do my part always, but I don't want a relationship where I am always expected to do everything. If imma be in a traditional relationship, we going all the way traditional where I am going to be a stay at home mom, and my man is going to be the provider financially. Then those things that most men feel women should do would actually be my job and I would expect myself to have it done as well. I could live with that. I couldnt live with being expected to cook and clean after working 9-5 just like my husband did. But he gets to come home and sit on his ass and I have to do double duty. I cant agree to that. I would be willing to work with a guy that will take turns with me when it comes to household stuff, but I can't be expected to do anything because I am gonna always do what I want to do.

ALWAYS.

Beta Stages

2011-08-11T17:05:00.000-05:00

A lot of things in my life are in the start up stage. I'm on the come up. Trying to make things happen for myself and others. I have many talents that could be utilized. But my best talent is helping others live their dreams, while living mine. I think that is my mission in life. Or at least that is what I am making my mission and purpose in life. I want to do what I can to help others make their dreams come true but I cannot forget about myself, at the same time. That will be my biggest obstacle in this quest. When people rely on you to help them with their dreams, they forget that you have dreams and a life, as well. I am just going to have to learn to balance the two, but both are essential to my happiness. I want to share with the world the idea that you can do what you want to do, and what you want to should only be relative to you and your own happiness. I want to at least start the conversation with people and let them know that it is not hard to do what you want to do. You just have to do it. And if people are like me, that is the hardest part. I will find any excuse to distract me from what I really want to do. Crazy seeing as how you would think I would have no problem doing what I want to do since that is what I am used to. But I have always been more used to doing what I think people want me to do, and whatever time left after that I would do what I want to do. But the idea of being able to do what I want all the time, anytime, is a little scary. Mainly because I have no idea what it is that I want to do, and therefore I end up doing nothing at all.

Focus is the key to my life right now, and I am working on it. I am going to go on vacation so that I can clear my mind, body and soul of all negative energy and regroup. I have all these ideas and directions I want to take things in, but I have to give it some time and I am learning to let things unfold. My mind makes connections way too fast and Im always overly prepared or excited and anxious about stuff because I always seem to know how shit gone play out before it happens. I'm just trying to stay open and not miss the opportunities in front of me because I am too busy focusing on bullshit. I won't say last year was a waste because I rested well and learned alot, but it was counterproductive to me and my dreams. I am officially back and as soon as this vacation is over, I will be beyond ready to get things going and conversations started....

Hopefully my beach bunny/waterpark weekend will go as I have planned in my head...

Im Over It

2011-08-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

The thing most people learn about me the hard way is I dont really give a fuck. I may seem as if I do, and a lot of things I don't mind, but the majority of shit, I don't give a fuck about. And even if I do care about it, I know how to eventually not give a fuck. And once I'm done, I'm done. I mean exactly what the fuck I say.

And people don't ever believe me when I say the shit I say until I show them. By the time most people even realize my issue with them, even when I tell them, I'm usually over it. And they be wanting to explain themselves to me like I actually give a fuck. It pisses me off. lol. Because I'm like I said all this shit to yo EXACTLY a couple weeks ago, and you patronizing me by repeating to me the exact same shit I just told you like it was your fucking idea. I'm over it. I can't deal with somebody who cannot think for themselves. Where they do that at? Some shit I will never understand and today I can officially say that I have decided what category to put my former flame in. We could have been great but...(He is too much of a follower and naive about shit to me. He doesnt care about himself enough for me to fuck with him. Because if you can allow people to get in your mind and influence your life like its not your life, I can't fuck with it) Imma be happy, and enjoy my life, if nothing else. If you on some I chose to be miserable because I've made some decisions I feel I have to live with forever, FUCK THAT! You can mask it as you want your son to have a family like you did, but I also know you wasn't raised by your parents either. You a liar now and I can't respect a liar. And you are clearly a repeater of words from other people because you too bitch made to come at me on some REAL SHIT because you KNOW what you said to me. I can't respect someone who does that. Nice knowing you. Thanks for opening up my life to receive my blessings God has waiting for me. I know you were the only thing stopping me. I appreciate all the lessons I learned from you breaking my heart and me piecing it back together and learning to love myself and be me again. i could never repay you enough for that. Funny, now that I think about it, you saved me. Without even knowing. Shoutout to God, ONCE AGAIN!

Blah

2011-07-06T13:58:00.000-05:00

I woke up feeling crazy as hell this morning. I hate when I start off my day like that. I been in a fucked up mood all day. I know why, and thats irrelevant at this point, but I still hate this feeling. I feel like I want to bust out crying but I can't. Its the craziest most frustating thing in the world to me. Its almost like I want to cry, but I know I have no reason to be crying because I feel the way I feel because of me. Because of the bullshit that I allow myself to deal with. But its the hardest thing in the world to stop. I have never in my life been in this position.

I have never had no problem saying fuck something and moving on. Regardless of how I felt. I always could convince myself that I didn't give a fuck and just act like I didn't care until eventually I didn't. Now how the fuck do I trick myself into not caring when I know for a fact that I care WAYYYYY TOOOO MUCH? That would be a secret I would love to unlock for my life right now.

But I have class to attend now...BLAH!!!!

Of Course

2011-06-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

I am currently sitting outside about to do a module for my Life Coach class. I should be on the way to my Art class, however, a flat tire is fucking things up for me. I already missed our alloted two days, 3 days into the summer session. smh.

My problem is the process of getting to and from class everyday. I commute but I am driving a car that is being shared by my mother and I. One of us is going to have to get a new vehicle very soon. As in this week. I cannot be going through this kind of stuff all summer session. I have to pass my classes with A's and B's so I have to suck it up and just do what I have to do.

*Sigh* Always easier said than done for me. I have a tendency to try and find options that alleviate the things that stress me out. However, I do not see too many options for me at this time unless I feed people some sob stories, which won't necessarily be lies, just exaggerations of the truth.

"Use what you got, to get what you want" (c) Diamond, Players Club. #aye.

Art Supplies

2011-06-20T13:43:00.000-05:00

I did some art supply shopping for one of my classes today. It was kinda cool being in an art store looking at the different paints, pencils, markers, crayons, etc. I felt like an artist. A little. Well not really. More like an aspiring artist. I got a bunch of things, but I still have at least $100 worth of stuff I still need to purchase. I need a sponsor.

Summer School

2011-06-20T13:41:00.000-05:00

Whoever came up with the idea of summer school should be stoned. It is too hot to be walking around a campus for class. I know knowledge is key, but GOT DAMN! If I die of a heat stroke it won't matter how much I know. I'm exaggerating slightly but still, its hot as fuck.

Sorry this post was not productive or conducive to anything. However, it did make me feel better and that is all that matters.

Cheertinue...

Since I'm talking to myself now

2011-06-19T16:23:00.000-05:00

I just want to say Hello. so HELLLLLOOOOOOOO there...lol. I crack myself up.

I need to get my posts up so that all the Lupe Fiasco stuff does not appear on the front page of my blog anymore. I am SO OVER all of that. I'm too excited to do all these new things I want to do and have been wanting to do for a very long time. I am just now in the right time and place to actually get shit going. I have a new idea every day. Some advice I received was to not be so practical in my dreaming that I lose sight of my dreams or the main goal of my dreams. I do not like to invest in things unless I see it working out for me at some point. And I know I over think how things could turn out on a negative note as opposed to what could happen positively for me. I have no idea how all the things I want to do will be brought to fruition. I just know I am ready to do whatever I can to help get me to where I want to be and where I know I should be. And this website is only the beginning avenue since a lot of stuff starts online these days and then its crosses over into mainstream eventually if its good (or bad) enough. Depending on what you look for in entertainment.

My problem is my mind is always thinking of how I can make something better, more fun, more awesome and next level. So ideas come to me all the time, but I'm always thinking of something better I could do. And I end up doing nothing because my mind can't handle being in the future and present at the same time. I live for the things I want, but I guess I need to start being motivated by everything that I have achieved now, so that I am not so focused on the future and expecting to receive exactly what I want and being disappointed when I don't.

I don't really have a master plan. Its more like an outline because ultimately I just want to do what I want. Its not really "things" that I am after, its experiences. To be able to say that I did this or I did that. Things that no one can EVER take away from me. I want moments that I will always cherish and never forget. I want to build relationships that will last lifetimes. I want good karma. I want my future generations to lead lives where the things they want to do are the things they feel they have to do and not the other way around. My intentions are more spiritual than anything. Yes of course I would love to be able to afford all the material things I want, id be lying if I said that wasn't part of the results as well. But its coming from a place where i want to enjoy these things, and not where i just want people to see that I have all these things.

I'm growing up. I used to just want stuff. Not for other people but for myself because stuff used to make me happy. Now too much stuff makes me stressed. I've become a minimalist in these past 3 years. I can fit my whole life in this one large suitcase that I have. I'm proud of that accomplishment. I amaze myself with how much I've learned about life, love and god in the past 3 years. How much I've let go and trusted God with. The place that I am in right now is only because of the man upstairs. You know how people talk about going through and its God trying to show you that believing in him is the only way. I do believe that because without God and the people that he placed into my life to help me remain me and do what I know is right in my heart, I have no idea what path i would be down now. Praise God for God because I would really be lost. I was hopeless, frustrated, mad at the world and my eyes were opened to everything in its own time. I learned patience, perseverance, and how to express myself openly and directly.

Nobody but God. I owe everything I am to him. All my experiences and influences on my life have all helped me make it to this point and I appreciate them all, good and bad. I see how all those lessons have mentally prepared me for everything I want to achieve in the future. I had to see what the real world was really like before I actually threw myself into headfirst. I was just getting my feet wet with life, I'm ready to dive in now. And if I'm doing it for anybody other than myself, this go around is for my grandmother, and my favorite cousin with a few exceptions. My two angels who I know are looking out for me ALWAYS. Grandma, your baby gone make you proud. I promise. And Chaise, YOU ALREADY KNOW. We been planning this since day one. Imma make sure we in there. somewhere. Williams shit. Already. LOVE.

Just in case you didn't know

2011-06-19T13:50:00.002-05:00

Love is ALWAYS the motivation.

This statement is very important to the enjoyment of this blog. I am sure I will have to reiterate this from time to time, but please note that hate is never where anything stems from over here. Constructive criticism is very prevalent, but hate we know nothing about. Sorry.

This is it. (no Michael Jackson)

2011-06-19T12:51:00.001-05:00

I've never been a good feeling expressor. In fact, feelings scare the fuck out of me. I avoid them as much as I possibly can, mainly because in my experience, feelings waste time. Not caring solves problems fast, which is why my motto has always been, if all else fails, fuck it! Life is too short to be caught up in feelings, good and bad. I believe we are all here for one main purpose and that is to enjoy ourselves and have a good time doing and being with things we love. To experience life. To make mistakes and learn from them. To grow. To be a better person today than you were yesterday. To showcase yourself and who you are. Simply to be and trust that you are probably not doing everything right, but you are not doing everything wrong either. Everything is a work in progress of something. The work is never done, so the time is always now. And with that said, AND SO IT BEGINS...

LuShae Jewelry

2010-03-02T10:07:00.004-05:00

I’m usually skeptical of people who send me emails asking me to look at their site, and post what I think. But this time I was actually very impressed. I am IN LOVE with my Lucky ring, and I get people trying to take it off my finger ALL THE TIME. Seriously. Check it out for yourself…

www.jewelryartdesigns.com

My Lucky Ring. Beautiful.

Dear lupethefiasco.blogspot.com,

2010-02-03T12:09:00.007-05:00

"It's been a long time, I shouldna left you..."

Hey, remember me? Originally I was just another bright eyed college student with way too much time on my hands, which resulted in my cultivating something wonderful. Fast forward to now, and I have pretty much become a ghost of Lupe's past--with no explanation as to why, until now...

Background information

'The Lupe Fiasco Show' timeline- Recaps 1 & 2

Recollections of moments that pushed me to stop blogging
Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, Exhibit D

Here's my skyscraper...(in case you missed it)

MY EXPLANATION...

Im a non-confrontational type person, very go with the flow and all that. My major goal in life is to make sure I enjoy myself, and that people around me enjoy themselves also. With that said, when I first started this blog I had no expectations of it AT ALL. I didn't start it because I wanted to be able to watch shows from backstage, and hang out with a lot of different cool people (which was AMAZING, btw).. I never expected that I would actually get the chance to do alot of the stuff that we (the Femmes) did. I damn sure NEVER in a million years would have thought Lupe Fiasco would shout out my little blog on what I think is the best song on the album. My intentions were to occupy my time, and since Im a slight dork, I started a blog.

Kennykenken was one of the first visitors to my blog to show me love, and he said and I quote "this blog is gonna get big." I paid that remark no attention. And honestly it was not until about a week after Lupe's album 'The Cool' was on MTV's 'The Leak" (which was the week of his actual release) that I realized how "big" my blog was. I was always open to suggestions and didn't mind letting people jump on my bandwagon, because again, I was never doing this blog for attention, so the more, the merrier was always my motto.

And because I CHOSE not to let people know I ran the blog (by myself until I allowed others to start posting only because I could see my desire fading but I wanted to continue the greatness), a couple of other people got my recognition. And I never got bitter about that because I CHOSE not to put my face out there as much as the others. But what I didn’t like was how some people were not taking the opportunity to explain that this was MY BLOG, my writing, my hard work, my long hours of searching for shit, and not theirs. And sitting back watching people try and pretty much take over was killing me on the inside.

Because this blog had become a major part of my life, and we all know that time is EVERYTHING when it comes to the internet. So being the first to post stuff and find information is key; it separates the good from the great. But what that entails is a constant search for information. I had the shit down to a science, you would be surprised at what you can get some of these search engines to do. It was hard work though, and I did it for as long as I did because I really enjoyed it. But once it switched from feeling like a hobby to feeling like a job, I knew it was not long before this blog would eventually crumble.

Everybody had their opinion on what they thought I should be doing with MY blog. Readers, Femmes, shit I even recall getting phone calls with orders from Mr. Lupe Fiasco himself to take down things that I posted on my blog. It had become a circus, and I no longer wanted to be ringmaster, even though I was pressured into thinking “the show must go on.” And I tried to continue blogging, but it just wasn’t fun. I had no passion for it anymore. And I regret allowing others to take that away from me, but it came down to me either continuing to do all my hard work and letting others take the credit for it, or me completely stopping everything and watching the blog go down in flames.

And we all know which road was traveled on that one, so yeah. That was it. That is how this blog has gotten to this point. I almost feel like I could do an E! True Hollywood story about everything I encountered as a result of this blog (I see why Enquirer and Perez Hilton stay booming)…but luckily that’s not my style.

But back to what I was saying in the beginning, I just wanna do something I enjoy. I’ve gotten paid one $100 check from Google, so it was definitely NOT for profit. To this day I am sure Lupe Fiasco does not know my name or recognize my face like he does some of the other Femmes, so it was definitely NOT for attention. It was just for a love of writing, and new found interest in this rapper dude named Lupe Fiasco. And I took a much needed break but now I think I am ready…

And I’m OUT

-WLFL (The blogger formerly known as MUAH!!!)

Stay Tuned…

Dope Couture X Mike Posner

2010-01-29T10:58:00.004-05:00

Inspired by HiBlogTV stoners doing their Mike Posner imitation, Dope Couture works up a comical new collabo t-shirt with Posner featuring the Drug Dealer Squirrel character. The shirt features a sexy squirrel character among a re-appropriated Gucci crest design tagged with a reworked Braintrust logo on the backside. Only 200 shirts were produced for men and only 100 shirts were produced for women. They will be available via the Dope Couture online store and as well as in-store. These drop on January 29th, 2010.

HiBlogTV...

From one stoner to another...RESPECT.

Something New, Something Different, A Little to the Left, A Little Uplifting...

Again, Stay Tuned. Its been a long time, I shouldna left you...

----->>>>----<<<<----

2010-01-25T15:07:00.003-05:00

Something New

Something Different

A Little to the Left

A Little Uplifting...

STAY TUNED!!!!!

The E.N.D of lupethefiasco.blogspot.com?

2009-03-12T16:02:00.006-05:00

As it says on Lupe's Myspace...all things must come to an END. Sadly, that time has come where us Femmes have decided to put lupethefiasco.blogspot.com to rest...

Ever since Megan has started this blog it has been a family affair...and I truly love all of my Femmes LIKE SISTERS and have enjoyed being a part of this blog. From shows, to interviews, to The Cool...everyone has shown us sooooo much love (and hate/jealousy from a few)and it has ALL be GREATLY APPRECIATED! Never did we think that this blog would be able to go as far as it has done so far...and we like to think that we have set a high standard for other fan blogs to come :)

With all that said...this will be the very LAST POST ON LUPETHEFIASCO.BLOGSPOT.COM! Thanks to all the readers that have stuck with us this far...you will be happy to know that...

WE HAVE A BRAND SPANKIN' NEW SITE BITCHES!!!!!!!

~>CLICK HERE!<~

Shwayze is opening up for Lupe at EIU on April 4th

2009-03-09T22:56:00.003-05:00

Tickets for the public are on sale :)

"Tickets will go on sale to the general public on Monday for Eastern Illinois University's spring concert featuring rapper Lupe Fiasco and guests Shwayze and Cisco Adler.

The concert will begin at 8 p.m. April 4 in Lantz Arena, Charleston. Tickets, priced at $10 for EIU students with Panther Card IDs and $20 for all others, will be available between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. weekdays through the Martin Luther King Jr. Union Ticket Office on the second floor in the west wing. For more information, call 581-5122."

Source

Im salty because I actually really like Shwayze and I watched his show faithfully :)

If anyone goes to the show be sure to take lots of pictures and send in your reviews!

Hey Champ Interveiw w/ Ruby Hornet

2009-03-09T22:46:00.003-05:00

"RubyHornet: You signed to 1st and 15th, which is run by Lupe Fiasco, and at the time of your signing was primarily a Hip Hop label. Why did you decide to sign with them, and were there any musical "language barriers" so to speak in terms of the approach you wanted to take and how they were used to doing things?

Hey Champ!: Lupe is an artist first and foremost. He liked what we were doing and gave us freedom and leeway to record our album the way we wanted. We have a great working relationship with him. It was really a no-
brainer, he's a superstar who wanted to endorse us."

Much Love to the wonderful guys of Hey Champ! Click here to read the full interview

Another Jawn added to the favorites :)

2009-03-07T14:08:00.001-05:00

1500's was cutting up won't they!!! How I love them so :)

Lupe Fiasco "Glory" FanMade Video

2009-03-07T14:01:00.001-05:00

by Rogue Lion Films

This is pretty damn dope if u ask me...

A whole bunch of dope ass youtube performance vids

2009-03-07T13:54:00.003-05:00

I wasn't gonna post these cuz i figured its stuff thats kind of repetitive but i figured hey I like to go on youtube and watch lupe videos so im sure the readers do too lol here's some of the recent videos i added to my favorites :)

I REALLY LIKE THE ROCKER STEEZ LU HAS IN THIS VIDEO :)

And there's a bunch more lol...if u ever want to look for lupe videos just go to youtube and search lupe fiasco...its that simple! Searching by relevancy and the date makes it much easier :)

The DVD is Coming SOON

2009-03-07T00:28:00.005-05:00

"Live show recorded at the Congress Theater in Chicago. 1 hour show and 30 minute documentary of the day leading up to the show. The documentary takes the viewer on a day in the life of Lupe Fiascothe day is filled with trips to the hospital,minor arrest (not Lupe), drama after drama, including cancelling the show and then un cancelling the fan gets a real up close and personal view of what its like to be Lupe Fiasco."

Source

Man...TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO WAS ACTUALLY THERE AT THE SHOW...it was truly amazing...Im SOOOOOO EXCITED FOR THIS DVD!

March 31st people! And to check out more of videos i took from the show and at Soundcheck CLICK HERE

*EDIT*
I have just been informed that the DVD will NOT BE COMING ON MARCH 31ST...As of right now the status is that its "COMING SOON" ...I know...my feelings are hurt too :(

Thanks for the update Busy

Brandiva's DREAM Collabo...Jo Bros. and Lupe Fiasco?

2009-03-06T12:26:00.001-05:00

I can see it...go on ahead and make that happen Lupe :D

Swagger Book

2009-03-06T12:22:00.001-05:00

Features our boy Wasalu...click here for more info

FNF and Mrs. Wendy City...

2009-03-05T13:51:00.006-05:00

Recently a group called The Pedestrians,made a 26 minute tribute to Chicago called "Mrs. Wendy City," its compiled with chi city heavyweights such as: Kanye West, Common,Naledge, Twista, Physcodrama and Do or Die) and classic tracks reppin this city, including our very own Lupe Fiasco (Where I'm From, Go Go Gadget Flow & I Gotcha (instrumental)and Gemstones (Chicago). I hope y'all enjoy this Chicago mix as I do! Peace and much love...

http://sharebee.com/8068a123

Ludacris,Lupe Fiasco electrify student crowd: A TCNJ Review

2009-03-03T23:58:00.002-05:00

"The raw energy generated by Fiasco spilled into the crowd as hands stayed up, waving and pulsing to such songs as "Hello Goodbye," "Go Go Gadget" and "Little Weapon."

Following his song "Streets on Fire," Fiasco said he would begin singing songs that were nominated for Grammy Awards.

Crowd participation skyrocketed when "Kick Push" and "Paris Tokyo" were performed but when the opening piano notes of Fiasco's monster hit, "Superstar" began to play, there were few who were not singing along with the superstar."

Click here to read the full article

Lupe performing "Everybody Nose" TCNJ

2009-03-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

Lupe for Converse Red

2009-03-03T18:12:00.003-05:00

Some Pics from the shoe release at St. Alfred

"PEOPLE STARTED LINING UP AT 9AM, SHOE RELEASED AT 3PM..AND SNOW IT DID..

DESPITE THE CRAPPY WEATHER THE PEOPLE CAME OUT & GOT A NICE SUPRISE AS LUPE WAS ON HAND TO MEET & GREET."

Fuckery At It's Finest

2009-03-03T14:25:00.003-05:00

Im going to leave my political views out of this but damn...HATERS!!!!!!!! and they JUST HAD to use Superstar..SMH

FALSE: Major Announcement coming Friday the 13th!

2009-03-03T12:29:00.002-05:00

"We have a major announcement coming out of the FALSE camp this Friday the 13th, including some crazy surprises! We know a whole bunch of FALSE fans don’t have Facebook accounts yet, so do get integrated with one as FALSE has recently gone 100% Facebook, you’ll be able to get real 1st hand info from the inside before everyone else..

Just over a week away and I’m really psyched! Till then..

*your friendly neighborhood creative villain
-le messie"

Can we ATLEAST get a hint Le Messie?

Lupe To Play Tulane University

2009-03-03T12:18:00.001-05:00

Lupe Fiasco @ Tulane University
March 13th
McAlister Auditorium
$15 for students $20 for non-students
supporting acts The Knux and Soul Capitol

Click Here for more Info!

Hey Champ playing SXSW and In The Studio

2009-03-03T12:10:00.002-05:00

Shout Out To Hollywood Holt! Who will also be performing...

Much love to the entire Hey Champ crew :)

Happy Birthday To Sarah Green!

2009-03-03T12:04:00.002-05:00

Enjoy Your Day Lady :)

Don't forget to stop by her myspace and listen to her track "Me Time". More Music COMING SOON!

Nikki Jean Interview (Part 2)

2009-03-01T22:13:00.002-05:00

"Q: Speaking of hip-hop... Hip hop saved my life. What inspired you to write the hook for that song?

NJ: Lupe! He gave me the track and said I want to write the song about this. Write the hook. It was really that. He already knew - he had the whole story of the song mapped out before I even wrote the hook. He was like, here’s the track, heres the concept, write the hook and that was it. You gotta give him what he wants. (laughs)"

Click here to read the whole interview. Thanks Summiyah!

Rhymefest talks Lupe via Twitter

2009-03-01T21:30:00.003-05:00

If you're not following Rhymefest (or Me!) on Twitter then you need too! Not only does he play his weekday vs game (which is extremely entertaining) tonight he decided to ask people to name rappers and he was going to tell a story about each...of course myself and other lupe fans on twitter were bombarding him with request to tell us an encounter he had with our main man Lupe and this is what he said :)

"RHYMEFEST Lupe is kinda weird to me. We sat next to each other on a plane and talked Islam before we returned to awkward silence."

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED! Love Ya Fest! Don't kill me for posting your tweet :)

COMPREHENSION FAIL

2009-02-28T23:33:00.002-05:00

how did i know that some rapper that comepletely missed the whole concept of the coolest take that one part from the coolest and turn it into something completely ridiculous...COMPREHENSION FAIL

SHOUT OUT to AllenTJones :)

Fan Reviews: Lupe Fiasco @ TCNJ

2009-02-28T19:22:00.006-05:00

Thanks to Mike for sending in your review!!

I saw lupe Fiasco at tcnj last night. His show was one of the best hours of my life. I'm a huge Lupe fan and seeing him bring his concept accross in person was nothing short of amazing. He sounded good and was entertaining for his fans and also to those who don't really know him very well. I was a little upset when he asked people to raise their hands if they don't like him and some people actually did, I thought that was a bit ignorant but I understood that their were a lot of people there to see Ludacris and not Lupe. I found it interesting to see how different the two artists are. Lupe had his gold chain and rolex president on( i was in the second row middle), but ludacris had about 2 million dollars in jewelery on which i thought was a bit much for a college performance. Lupe didn't brag on stage and you could tell he knew who his crowd was. Ludacris spent most of the night talking about himself and ran off stage before finishing his last song. Even his dj thought he was coming back. When this happened the students were chanting to bring Lupe back which put a smile on my face. Almost as much as his peace and much love to ya exit! I can't wait to see a show that is strictly Lupe. I could watch him perform forever. Maybe even some mixtape songs would be nice to see live. I took some images with my iphone since cameras weren't allowed and its too risky to bring expensive stuff around crazy fans anyway.

More pics below...

One Happy Customer

2009-02-28T18:56:00.001-05:00

www.wearefalse.com GET YOURS TODAY!

New from Dope Couture

2009-02-28T17:33:00.004-05:00

Shop Dope Couture

If You Love the Jetsons, You'll Love This...

Lupe Fiasco For Converse

2009-02-27T19:05:00.004-05:00

Drops Sunday :) Spotted at Avenue Chicago

Lupe Fiasco LIVE @ The College of New Jersey TONIGHT!

2009-02-27T11:48:00.003-05:00

The Lupe Fiasco Show is coming to TCNJ! Those that are attending the show tonight...have fun! take lots of pics! and of course..send your pictures, reviews, encounters to kayceefnf@gmail.com and we will get you up on the blog :)

Fresh, New, and EXCITING things are coming up for the Lupe Fiasco Show so if you are a reader of the blog STAY TUNED!

Free Chill and FNF WAYYYYYYYYYY UP :)

Lupe Rocks Sold Out Homecoming: An interesting Review Of Lupe @ USF

2009-02-26T21:43:00.002-05:00

Apathy was at a low Friday night at War Memorial Gym as students eagerly anticipated the arrival of hip-hop artist and performer Lupe Fiasco, at this year’s homecoming concert. Although Lupe Fiasco only performed for about an hour, approximately 500 students, alumni and staff crowded the basketball court to hear him perform. Even USF President Rev. Stephen Privett, S.J, made an appearance at the beginning of the concert.

President of the Campus Activities Board Courtney Ball said that there were 2,500 tickets available and that the concert was sold out. During the pep rally ASUSF directed students to the ticket booth, which may have contributed to the boost in sales. Attendance at the concert, however, ranged from 400-500 people. The doors opened at 7:30, but Fiasco did not come on stage until 9:15. Alex Platt, an event staff worker, said of the concert, “I thought it went pretty smoothly.” After working with Wyclef Jean, last year’s homecoming performer, on his music video “If I Was President,” Platt was disappointed that Fiasco did not have much interaction with students. While Jean let event staff and some students listen to his sound check before the concert, Fiasco made students leave and did not sign autographs or meet with students before the concert. Platt said, “He wanted to do his own thing. He didn’t really want to interact with students.” On the other hand, Platt said of Jean, “He was very into talking to his fans.” Platt pointed out that the way that both artists came on to campus was significant. Jean entered near Fromm Hall and walked through campus, shaking hands and greeting students as he made his way to the gym. Fiasco entered the gym through a side door, limiting his face time with student fans.

Platt was in charge of the pep rally this year. When the band canceled and miscommunications occurred with the dance team, student turnout suffered. Next year, Platt proposes to hold the pep rally before the concert because students will already be gathered and waiting for the performer. If the basketball team was brought on stage before the performer, the audience’s excitement might transform into school spirit.The music seemed to resonate with students. Even students who don’t identify as hip-hop fans enjoyed Fiasco’s performance at the concert. Chet Bentley, a sophomore media studies major, said the music was not his style, but “it was energetic and appealed to the masses.”

Bentley liked the concert because Fiasco was cool and young. Fiasco played many of his popular songs like “Superstar,” “Daydreamin’,” “Go Go Gadget Flow” and one of Kanye West’s songs, “Touch the Sky.” Fiasco’s backup performers included DJ Simon Says and drummer Baby Bam. 2007 alumnus Ilya Fishman said, “I was really excited to see him. He is a real rap artist with great music. I was already a huge fan so seeing him live was awesome.”Ball said that some students were disappointed Fiasco didn’t perform longer, but Platt said that the concert time was previously established for one hour. Sophomore Katrina Valdez said that although the concert was shorter than Wyclef Jean’s, it was better. She said, “He [Fiasco] brought a good atmosphere.”

Source

What Lupe is currently listening too

2009-02-25T22:55:00.003-05:00

Good Choice...I was a huge Prodigy fan in the 90's...i fell off with there music when I moved back to the States (i lived in England)...gonna have to check this out :)

New From FALSE: Death Is An Illusion

2009-02-24T23:18:00.003-05:00

FALSE: Death Is An Illusion from FALSE on Vimeo.

Thanks to Amanda and Le Messie :)

Trilly & Truly x Nike Air Force 1

2009-02-24T22:29:00.002-05:00

Via Highsnobiety

"According to some recent images posted by Nylon, Lupe Fiasco’s Trilly & Truly teamed up with Nike on a pack of Air Force 1’s. The pack consists of a white and black colorway, coming in a mix of leather and patent leather and both featuring a gold Swoosh and tags. No word on a release date so far, but we’ll definitely keep you posted!"

Lupe Fiasco in EF Mag: Essentials of Cool

2009-02-23T14:25:00.004-05:00

Source

I feel like i have seen this before...or something like it atleast but in a different magazine...

Only thing I own on this list is the wee ninja...that i love oh so very much lol

Nikki Jean is Road Trippin'

2009-02-23T13:10:00.002-05:00

Thanks Summiyah! Hey Nikki!

FALSE x THE LUPE FIASCO SHOW

2009-02-23T11:23:00.003-05:00

Yep! SO STAY TUNED :)

In other news...AMANDA is now an Honorary Femme Fiasco :) YES SHE IS!! Hey Amanda! From this day forward im campaigning that Lupe puts Amanda and Le Messie in his next video...they should have been in Paris, Tokyo...but its all good :) Seriously Lu...PUT THEM IN YOUR NEXT VIDEO :)

Im so excited I don't know what to do with myself...be sure to visit False and buy some stuff while your there :)

Love, Life and Lupe!

Kay

Japanese Cartoon On Facebook!

2009-02-22T23:48:00.003-05:00

For all you JC fans...keep up with the band over on Facebook.

Shout out to Amanda and Le Messie over at False! Thanks guys :)

Throwback: Lupe Fiasco DJBooth.Net Interview

2009-02-22T20:03:00.002-05:00

Big Shout out to Z!!!

"DJ Booth: That’s the line! [laughter] Lupe, I wish you nothing but the best of luck on the new drop of “The Cool.” Give everybody a website or a Myspace page so they can find out more about what you got goin’ on.

Lupe Fiasco: Check out lupefiasco.com, the official Lupe Fiasco site. Also check out lupethefiasco.blogspot.com, the official news source for your boy, and also check out myspace.com/lupefiasco."

^^^
He said it folks...NOT US! :) Click here to listen/download/read the full interview

Trilly and Truly talk from Le Messie

2009-02-22T19:43:00.001-05:00

"Lupe’s more accessible lil sibling brand Trilly & Truly has been making it’s rounds everywhere and I’m honoured that an old logo of mine from an old brand project (remember C.O.R Children Of the Revolution) is the main brand identity used as it’s face! It’s called the “Law” logo and lupe knighted it with the quote “lightning gave them life”. It’s even on the new face of Japanese Cartoon! This logo is going to be going places…

Off to designing some joints for T&T!

-Le Messie"

hmmmmm interesting :)

via WeareFalse

Nikki Jean Interview (Part 1)

2009-02-22T19:30:00.002-05:00

Read the interview here...shout out to both Nikki and Summiyah! Miss you ladies!

GOTTA LOVE THE 1500'S

2009-02-22T19:01:00.001-05:00

1500 Or Nothin EPK from Sunny Mirzadeh on Vimeo.

Seriously...those guys are NUTS! I miss ya'll :(

Lupe @ the KAWS Opening in L.A

2009-02-22T18:54:00.003-05:00

Gotta love KAWS! More Pictures HERE

Lupe Interview @ The Black Eye Peas Benefit Concert

2009-02-22T18:41:00.001-05:00

Shout out Ayesha :)

Lupe performing "Superstar" (not sure where its from)

2009-02-22T18:35:00.002-05:00

Switch? Sound? anyone with info let me know so i can correct the title please lol

Lupe and Mickey Factz?

2009-02-21T21:41:00.004-05:00

Lupe working with Mickey Factz?
I hope so. This would definitely be dope!

Shout out to Stevo for the pic

DON'T HATE...I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-21T15:14:00.004-05:00

I need to get my Lupe shirt game back on track...FNF UP! Shout out to Cathryn Marie for this!

Join the "Lupe Fiasco" (Restaurant) Group on Facebook!

2009-02-21T14:04:00.006-05:00

Special Shout out to Jana for sending me the info :)

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE LUPE FIASCO RESTAURANT CREW ON FACEBOOK

More Femme Fiascos X The Lupe Fiasco Show X The Lupe Fiasco Restaurant COMING SOON :)

Lupe Fiasco @ USF 2/20/09

2009-02-21T13:11:00.003-05:00

If you notice...he no longer has the whole band for his shows anymore :( Shout out Bam and Simon!

I Was Bored

2009-02-21T02:24:00.003-05:00

The FNF Family...via Myspace

2009-02-20T15:16:00.001-05:00

via Lu's Myspace Blog

Hey...Pay The Whole Family A Visit!!!

Just a friendly reminder to all fans of everything FNF. We're a BIG family!!! So take the time and make the rounds and introduce yourselves to OR get reacquainted with the whole FNF Music Crew on Myspace...

lets see we got the cool and poetic Matthew Santos...

Myspace.com/matthewsantos

The hip futuresounds of Hey Champ...

Myspace.com/heychamp

The electro-punk anthems of He Say She Say...

Myspace.com/dreaheartsmusic

The POWERFUL voice that is Sarah Green...

Myspace.com/sarah1solo *edited*

The street and struggle of Gemstones...

Myspace.com/fnfgemstones

The rebels in disguise...Japanese Cartoon...

Myspace.com/japanesecartoon

Stop by and say "Hi"

FNF UP!!!

support the family yall...FREE CHILLY!

Lupe Fiasco on "The ChRihanna Fiasco"

2009-02-20T13:02:00.002-05:00

Lu recently spoke on Chris Brown and Rihanna and this is what he had to say...

“They are great live and both are good people. It’s a tragedy.”

Source

It really is a tragedy...head on over to tmz.com for the pictures of Rihanna AFTER Chris went ape shyt on the girl...SMH

Drea Smith: UR Chicago Interview

2009-02-19T13:52:00.002-05:00

AWWWW LOOK AT DREA!!!

CoutURe TV- Drea from HE SAY SHE SAY from Jamie McArthur on Vimeo

"For Drea, being one half of the group He Say She Say (she plays front woman to Million Dollar Mano’s DJ/Production) definitely comes with perks, one of which is being an exclusive member of an “all boys club” as the down- to-earth singer puts it. Tattoos cover a great deal of Drea’s body, further reinforcing her tomboy swag. This is no good girl gone bad. The reason being her air of authenticity, it is unlikely that the label heads over at 1st&15th, (label heads meaning the one and only Lupe Fiasco) have prepackaged one ounce of Drea’s, or He Say She Say’s for that matter, character. Her style is all her own."

More at UR Chicago

Also check out another article on He Say, She Say HERE

all via the FNF ARMY

Kanye West ft. Kid Cudi "Welcome To Heartbreak" Video

2009-02-18T19:56:00.001-05:00

KANYE WEST "Welcome To Heartbreak" Directed by Nabil from nabil elderkin on Vimeo

HOW DOPE IS THIS DAMN VIDEO YALL? Shout out to Kanye! Check out his Details interview over on My Blog...

Lupe featured on DJ Yoda's "Colorful Clothes"

2009-02-18T19:36:00.002-05:00

COLORFUL CLOTHES–DJ YODA FT/ WAYNE, MAINO, LUPE, BABY, WES FIF, TRAE, HUNT, JOE YOUNG

via Something Like A Critic

Thanks to Aleisha for sending this thru!

*UPDATE*

After listening to the song...i realize its FUCKING RECYCLED VERSE...hella disappointed...

Vashtie x Lupe B-Day...

2009-02-18T05:45:00.003-05:00

via vashtie

our good friend LUPE celebrated his birthday yesterday (not today, the WIKIPEDIA is wrong). he turns the big 2-7. ELLE and I caught up with him for a moment and gave him a birthday hug. had we been prepared, we would have done a Magic Show in his honor - but, he failed to mention it was his birthday until the last minute! BOYS! oy vey.

Dont get jealous ladies....lol...i kid, i kid.....

NOT LUPE RELATED: Lupe plays Coachella April 19th, MJ Auction on April 22nd...GUESS WHERE MY BLACK ASS GONNA BE AT!

2009-02-16T20:20:00.004-05:00

I think im going to shed tears yall...you can't possible understand how much I love MJ...

Michael Jackson’s belongings from the Neverland Ranch are set to hit the auction block. The sale is being organized by Julien’s Auction House and will take place in Los Angeles from April 22nd to April 25th 2009. There are some really interesting items with a wide range of prices which could bring in a lot of cash to M.J. The auction book alone is $500 but looks like a solid investment fr any fan

via BBC

THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING NEWS EVER! Im taking donations for ANYONE who wants to help me get ANYTHING from this auction...NO BS...I need EVERY SINGLE PIECE thats being auctioned off in my life to add to my collection. Do you see the stuff thats being auctioned! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay I need to stop...im seriously having a conniption...

back to the birthday boy...

Lupe Fiasco: Some Folks Dress Better Than Kanye enter Kanye bitchfest HERE

2009-02-16T19:41:00.005-05:00

Kanye West made a stir both when he said he takes fashion inspiration from gay people, and when he backtracked on that statement this month by saying, "That's when I was ignorant to gays. 'Cause there's a lot of gay people who don't dress good at all. There's a lot of gay people that I dress way better than." Backstage at the Y-3 show, where Kanye showed up with a pretty fly ducktail/mini-mullet haircut, his friend and frequent collaborator Lupe Fiasco backed him up. "It's true!" said Lupe (who, incidentally, is waiting to talk to former tour-mate Chris Brown "until all this nonsense boils over"). "What do you want me to say?" Lupe acknowledged that Kanye doesn't dress better than EVERY minority group. "Japanese people and people from Paris have the best style. They can beat Kanye hands down. That’s where we get it from," he said. But he did think Kanye has the style edge on most of his fellow rappers. Said Lupe, "He definitely dresses better than me."

Source

Keep ya heads up C. Breezy and Ri Ri :)

Lupe @ Y-3 Fashion Show w/ Yeezy-FRONT ROW STATUS! lol

2009-02-16T19:29:00.003-05:00

same status the Femmes be at Lu's shows....TABERNACLE!

Lu doing an interview (obviously) and looking a tad bit greasy...

SMH and LMAO @ the brother in the back with the glasses...*wendy williams voice* how you doing?

More pictures of Lu at the Y-3 event can be seen HERE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUPE! & the Slideshow has been updated...

2009-02-16T19:17:00.003-05:00

so if you sent me your picture today it will now show up in the slideshow :) thanks to those that participated! and once again...Happy Birthday to Lu and SHAYLA G who is also celebrating her birthday today :)

*sidenote*

FTR I can read people...i know that it says Lu's birthday is tomorrow (on wiki) BUT...that doesn't mean his birthday is tomorrow...its TODAY...you can wish him happy bday on the 17th if you want to...but you will be a day late :)

We On - Micheal Jackson beat Remix

2009-02-15T23:32:00.004-05:00

This is dope!

Via Lupend Blog

Click Here To:
Download Gemstones and Lupe on a mix of MJ's "Thriller" and "Beat It"

Loopy Fun: Another MSU Review

2009-02-15T18:48:00.002-05:00

A few highlights from the show, not including Fiasco’s performance of his major hits and distinct dance moves, was his remix of N.E.R.D’s “Everyone Nose” followed by a freestyle over Kanye West’s “Touch The Sky” before doing the “quintessential hip-hop freestyle” for which he asked DJ Simon Says for “some weird techno shit.” Bishop G especially killed it, displaying his raw talent and skill as a rapper.

Read the entire article here

If anyone went to the show be sure to send us your pictures and reviews so we can post it up on the blog. This is an INTERACTIVE blog...meaning you gotta send us ya stuff :) the email is kayceefnf@gmail.com

Fan Artwork: Lupe Fiasco Wallpaper

2009-02-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

via Deviant Art